coming full circle...

The Blogger dashboard says that my last post was dated May 5, 2008. I guess I could've waited a couple of months before posting again to make it more poetic but alas, poetry isn't the reason I'm typing at 1:51 in the morning again. This blog has become my means of venting. Some of my closest friends have stuck with this blog and given me words of wisdom and their much needed support during the darkest hours of my life.

I felt the need to distance myself from the sad and angry words contained in this blog when I began to feel better. I'd like to say that picking at old wounds isn't my style but I'd be lying. I love rolling in my own emotional wreck like a pig in mud. I knew that perfectly well, ergo my need to separate from all the hurt this blog has accumulated.

Reading the words written above and knowing what this post is entitled may casually lead the reader to make haphazard conclusions. Most of you would be correct in that regard. Venting out into empty space has probably saved me thousands in Psychologist's bills. Only difference is, no one reads this anymore. Perhaps I enjoy fighting for a hopeless cause or I just really need to express my thoughts via some medium instead of letting them fester in my deranged mind. Reaching out, looking sorry and begging for attention is not how I roll contrary to popular belief. So this arrangement might work just fine.

The past two years haven't been full of successes and whatnot. I just didn't have the time to wallow in my own worthlessness it seems. Reminding myself of the things that lead to this blog's creation, I begin to see that nothing's really changed.

I do have a job now but it is in no way stable. Working part-time at a university doesn't make you a professor nor does it make you a real educator. It just makes you someone who thinks he/she deserves to teach younger people. I have nothing of value to teach these kids. Half of the conversations I have with them devolve into utter nonsense. I end up telling them how much fun I had back in college or some other story to make myself appear to be worth something more than I really am. It is no secret that I was miserable during college. I might have had fun here and there but overall, I underperformed, made myself an outcast and just generally wasted precious time and effort not counting my parents' money.

Mom telling me that my older brother could have performed a lot better in school had she taken the time to tutor him like she did me brought it all into focus. That moment she took to express one of her regrets to me translated into "You're really nothing special Joey, you're brother could've easily done whatever it is you thought you were so great for achieving had I given him the attention." I really can't take those words against her now could I? Not when her words proved to be accurate. My brother is out there reaping the rewards of his hard work. He has a great family - another thing I could never give my parents. Believe me when I say I'm not sour-graping because I'm not. My sister is another one who did not live up to her potential. In my opinion, she's a very talented dentist that was laid low by a poor country and bad timing but I do envy her ability to remain happy and content. When we talk, we usually agree on how much life sucks but I honestly think she's happy where she is. She might not have proven to be the super successful dentist she wanted to be but being able to support us, her family (yes, yours truly included) speaks volumes about how responsible she really is.

Where does all this leave me? I've always said that regrets are things I like to hold onto because they remind me never to make the same mistakes again. I feel like stopping here for now because it's really hard to type when moisture clouds your eyesight. I'm sure I'll be back again. This time more frequent than the past, barren, two years.

monumental...the world really IS progressing

Just another reason to love Brothers and Sisters. Shut up haters! Luke and Noah (Nuke) might be facing unwelcome reception from some breeders, some going as far as writing a letter to P&G to stop supporting As The World Turns. It's nice to know that some shows are still free to cater to other people, including a minority that's facing much discrimination. All those Jesus people are always quick to forget how their God forgives and loves without question. It's nice to see people try to have true, sincere love without having to be heterosexual.
After all, aren't heterosexual relationships supposed to be sacred? Look at Britney Spear's Vegas wedding... Next thing we know, these breeders would be protecting the sanctity of "Divorce"...

Social Networking wars...(viral video)

OMFG! This makes me soooo happy I'm no longer digital sheep.

kittens bopping their heads

Cute Kittens Bop Their Head - Watch more free videos

It's just to effing cute it almost HURTS...

surrounded by a wall of books

Well, I might not be doing anything productive most part of the day but I find my blog seriously lacking updates. I really don't know why this is the case. Apparently, gone are the days when I have the gusto to update my blog three times in one day.

Does this mean my life has become so utterly boring that I have nothing left to share? Or that my mind has gone numb and I can't even rant off into empty space like I used to? I don't know the answers to these questions, truly. I still find myself having much to say in terms of opinion but I guess I've become more prudent in dispensing my thoughts.

Does stepping away from the limelight point towards a deep seated depression? I'd prefer to interpret my lack of hunger for scene-stealing as a sign of maturity. It could be pompous of me to say so but I've found it more satisfying to choose the calibre of the people I converse with better.

sick of waiting...

It is said that good things come to those who wait. That's a big load of bull if I ever heard one. Fact is, those who don't give everything to attain something usually don't get anything for their hard work. Unless of course, you have insane luck that affords you the power to avoid the perversity of the universe. Unfortunately, lady luck is a traitorous mistress and she seems intent on helping those who don't deserve her blessings.

So, if the only way to reach your goal is to exert a mad amount of effort or end up using every form of underhanded tactic know to man, is it safe to assume then that the universe, in it's perversity, was designed to work against man? Of course there's no point in asking this question to those "lucky" enough to win the genetic lottery. Those born under the most favorable signs having parents who shit money and go to beaches on fucking yachts.

Then again, these rich kiddies are cursed with never being happy with what they have. So thanks to human greed, the greatest equalizer if all, we're all left wanting more. Take for instance a child dying of hunger in Africa wants food and has no way to get it. This equates to unhappiness. Sure it stems from one of humanity's most basic needs being divested from him. Yet, a rich man's daughter whining because she didn't get the right car for her eighteenth birthday is equally happy if not more so. Why is this you ask? Well the hungry kid from Africa is resigned to the fact that he never had a proper chance of getting food anyways and would probably die thinking that he got the short end of the stick from the very beginning. On the other hand, our little whining bitch is cursed with the knowledge that her father always had the right amount of money. It's just that he wasn't "cool" enough to notice which car she really wanted. Far worse, if they are really that well off, she has the ultimate displeasure of knowing that at anytime, her dad could just go ahead and buy her a new car, the car she really wanted.

See the complexity of human happiness?

So here we are, spending most of our lives toiling for success. When we finally find out that we have struck gold, we then realize just how little time we have to reap the fruits of our labor. This is why I have concluded that life is meant to be horrible, depressing and dark. It's as such so that during that single, minute moment that we experience joy, we're actually equipped to enjoy it. This is when ignorance is indeed bliss or when a simple mind reaps more benefits than an over-thinking brain. Let's go back to my example. Let's say a redneck who flew out to Africa to shoot animals sights the African kid in the throes of hunger. He looks down at the Big Mac he was stuffing his face full of and decides to (unbelievably enough) hand it over to the kid. Death is averted and the kid is happy. The kid now has a choice to make. Will he be happy with the food or will he want more? I'll bet that the kids just decides to be happy and hope that someone else comes along and gives him food again before he dies of hunger. On the other hand, our teenage drama queen would probably react different. Let's say daddy caves in after a week of her whining (of course she's his PRINCESS after all) and go buys her the car she wanted. Of course she'll be happy upon seeing it but does anyone honestly think that will be the end of it? Oh hell no! That bitch will continue to suck her father's bank account dry just like how her social-climbing mother taught her.

I don't know. I'm trying to find a philosophical exit to my otherwise worldly problems. I'm just sick and tired of waiting for my time to come. 

social experiment...gone wrong?

Okay, so I'm watching the local version of Big Brother. You know the one with the teens... It's not like I want to but it's the only way to carry a decent conversation with my brother. I don't know why, but it's a huge deal to him. So yeah, I watch it. I even know what channel TFC is and I don't even know where HBO is!!! I actually surf channels looking for HBO while TFC is like automatic now. He even watches the local telenovelas...it's annoying!

So while watching Big Brother yesterday and today, the whole issue of circumcision came up. So basically this Italian teen is uncircumcised. Big freaking deal! I understand that his two older brothers actually came home to get it done. Is that reason enough to have yourself mutilated?! To make it worse, here comes guys telling him it's part of Filipino to have your foreskin chopped off. What the hell?! 

FYI, I was circumcised when Iw as young. I think I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. So yeah, I actually got to feel the pain and the whole wearing skirts during the healing process. My parents didn't ask me if I wanted it done. One summer day this big dude walks through our doorstep with this little black bag that doctors bring with them during house visits. Then my parents tell me I'm getting circumcised. Okay... So I had it done. 

Point is, he grew up in friggin Italy. Men there tend to keep their foreskin. So yeah, he gets taunted by other Filipinos there. So?! I have a cousin who was born and raised in Australia and he never got circumcised and it's a total non-issue with the family, even with the rest of us back home. When was circumcision a requirement for being Filipino? If it has something to do with religion, then I'd probably understand it a lot better. Is he Jewish? I don't think so.

It's just wrong. You could see it on the poor guy's face. Is he scared of it? Probably not. He DOES know it's gonna be hella painful but then again, dudes got to keep pain hush hush right? It has something to do with the whole macho schtick. Still, do I think he's gonna have it done because he wants to? Doubtful. It's painted on his whole damn face. Is it a hundred percent peer (or even cultural) pressure? I don't think so but it sure plays a huge part. What next? People who aren't dark enough and who don't speak Tagalog (or Filipino, to be politically correct) fluently aren't considered Filipino? If such is the case, the direction our society is gearing towards is disturbing. We ought to remember the lessons of the holocaust.

on the up-up...

Well, yeah...just like the header says. I'm kinda happy these past few days. No, it's not due to the use of recreational drugs. I've just been kinda happy. My sister in law left for the Philippines the weekend before last. That left my brother and I to our own devices. Right after we brought her to Changi and said our farewells, we went straight to the mall to buy XBox 360 games! Something we never do when she's around.

Last Saturday we also went out to go see Vantage Point. The movie started off well but by the third time rewind schtick, I kinda got bored. Plus the ending is soooo "meh". Nonetheless, we had fun. Saturday evening my mom called and asked for a list of stuff I needed and wanted from back home so she could go out and buy them before my sister in law flies back. 

This is where things start to get deep. My mom actually accused me of being an atheist! Damn! That actually hurt. I've been pretty open about my being agnostic at home. I question their religion a lot and they seem to be fine with it. I had no idea she took this personally. It's like "I brought you up to believe in a God." I'm like "I still believe in God just not in religion". But I think I didn't communicate that part well with mom 'cause she certainly didn't understand any of that crap. So to keep things short, she guilted me into hearing mass last Sunday.

So, I told my brother that we had to go to mass on Sunday or we're both gonna have a very angry mother. We both accused my sister in law of ratting us out but when we got to talk to her, we found out she didn't talk to mom about that. 

So off we went to church last Sunday. We took the cab since we were cutting it close.I HAD to cook breakfast after all. So we got there. The church was packed full of people. Mostly Filipinos but there's the occasional local, malay and expat here and there. The mass was supposed to be in Tagalog but a chinese-local priest presided so we only got to sing Tagalog songs but the rest was in English...erm...Singlish. The priest did well, I actually found his homily interesting and it his jokes were funny.

All in all, a good weekend. I felt happy after I went to mass. I don't know if it's faith or just remembering good memories. I hope this good feeling carries on for a while. I'm not looking forward to crashing back into depression anytime soon.