monumental...the world really IS progressing

Just another reason to love Brothers and Sisters. Shut up haters! Luke and Noah (Nuke) might be facing unwelcome reception from some breeders, some going as far as writing a letter to P&G to stop supporting As The World Turns. It's nice to know that some shows are still free to cater to other people, including a minority that's facing much discrimination. All those Jesus people are always quick to forget how their God forgives and loves without question. It's nice to see people try to have true, sincere love without having to be heterosexual.
After all, aren't heterosexual relationships supposed to be sacred? Look at Britney Spear's Vegas wedding... Next thing we know, these breeders would be protecting the sanctity of "Divorce"...

Social Networking wars...(viral video)

OMFG! This makes me soooo happy I'm no longer digital sheep.

kittens bopping their heads

Cute Kittens Bop Their Head - Watch more free videos

It's just to effing cute it almost HURTS...

surrounded by a wall of books

Well, I might not be doing anything productive most part of the day but I find my blog seriously lacking updates. I really don't know why this is the case. Apparently, gone are the days when I have the gusto to update my blog three times in one day.

Does this mean my life has become so utterly boring that I have nothing left to share? Or that my mind has gone numb and I can't even rant off into empty space like I used to? I don't know the answers to these questions, truly. I still find myself having much to say in terms of opinion but I guess I've become more prudent in dispensing my thoughts.

Does stepping away from the limelight point towards a deep seated depression? I'd prefer to interpret my lack of hunger for scene-stealing as a sign of maturity. It could be pompous of me to say so but I've found it more satisfying to choose the calibre of the people I converse with better.

sick of waiting...

It is said that good things come to those who wait. That's a big load of bull if I ever heard one. Fact is, those who don't give everything to attain something usually don't get anything for their hard work. Unless of course, you have insane luck that affords you the power to avoid the perversity of the universe. Unfortunately, lady luck is a traitorous mistress and she seems intent on helping those who don't deserve her blessings.

So, if the only way to reach your goal is to exert a mad amount of effort or end up using every form of underhanded tactic know to man, is it safe to assume then that the universe, in it's perversity, was designed to work against man? Of course there's no point in asking this question to those "lucky" enough to win the genetic lottery. Those born under the most favorable signs having parents who shit money and go to beaches on fucking yachts.

Then again, these rich kiddies are cursed with never being happy with what they have. So thanks to human greed, the greatest equalizer if all, we're all left wanting more. Take for instance a child dying of hunger in Africa wants food and has no way to get it. This equates to unhappiness. Sure it stems from one of humanity's most basic needs being divested from him. Yet, a rich man's daughter whining because she didn't get the right car for her eighteenth birthday is equally happy if not more so. Why is this you ask? Well the hungry kid from Africa is resigned to the fact that he never had a proper chance of getting food anyways and would probably die thinking that he got the short end of the stick from the very beginning. On the other hand, our little whining bitch is cursed with the knowledge that her father always had the right amount of money. It's just that he wasn't "cool" enough to notice which car she really wanted. Far worse, if they are really that well off, she has the ultimate displeasure of knowing that at anytime, her dad could just go ahead and buy her a new car, the car she really wanted.

See the complexity of human happiness?

So here we are, spending most of our lives toiling for success. When we finally find out that we have struck gold, we then realize just how little time we have to reap the fruits of our labor. This is why I have concluded that life is meant to be horrible, depressing and dark. It's as such so that during that single, minute moment that we experience joy, we're actually equipped to enjoy it. This is when ignorance is indeed bliss or when a simple mind reaps more benefits than an over-thinking brain. Let's go back to my example. Let's say a redneck who flew out to Africa to shoot animals sights the African kid in the throes of hunger. He looks down at the Big Mac he was stuffing his face full of and decides to (unbelievably enough) hand it over to the kid. Death is averted and the kid is happy. The kid now has a choice to make. Will he be happy with the food or will he want more? I'll bet that the kids just decides to be happy and hope that someone else comes along and gives him food again before he dies of hunger. On the other hand, our teenage drama queen would probably react different. Let's say daddy caves in after a week of her whining (of course she's his PRINCESS after all) and go buys her the car she wanted. Of course she'll be happy upon seeing it but does anyone honestly think that will be the end of it? Oh hell no! That bitch will continue to suck her father's bank account dry just like how her social-climbing mother taught her.

I don't know. I'm trying to find a philosophical exit to my otherwise worldly problems. I'm just sick and tired of waiting for my time to come. 

social experiment...gone wrong?

Okay, so I'm watching the local version of Big Brother. You know the one with the teens... It's not like I want to but it's the only way to carry a decent conversation with my brother. I don't know why, but it's a huge deal to him. So yeah, I watch it. I even know what channel TFC is and I don't even know where HBO is!!! I actually surf channels looking for HBO while TFC is like automatic now. He even watches the local telenovelas...it's annoying!

So while watching Big Brother yesterday and today, the whole issue of circumcision came up. So basically this Italian teen is uncircumcised. Big freaking deal! I understand that his two older brothers actually came home to get it done. Is that reason enough to have yourself mutilated?! To make it worse, here comes guys telling him it's part of Filipino to have your foreskin chopped off. What the hell?! 

FYI, I was circumcised when Iw as young. I think I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. So yeah, I actually got to feel the pain and the whole wearing skirts during the healing process. My parents didn't ask me if I wanted it done. One summer day this big dude walks through our doorstep with this little black bag that doctors bring with them during house visits. Then my parents tell me I'm getting circumcised. Okay... So I had it done. 

Point is, he grew up in friggin Italy. Men there tend to keep their foreskin. So yeah, he gets taunted by other Filipinos there. So?! I have a cousin who was born and raised in Australia and he never got circumcised and it's a total non-issue with the family, even with the rest of us back home. When was circumcision a requirement for being Filipino? If it has something to do with religion, then I'd probably understand it a lot better. Is he Jewish? I don't think so.

It's just wrong. You could see it on the poor guy's face. Is he scared of it? Probably not. He DOES know it's gonna be hella painful but then again, dudes got to keep pain hush hush right? It has something to do with the whole macho schtick. Still, do I think he's gonna have it done because he wants to? Doubtful. It's painted on his whole damn face. Is it a hundred percent peer (or even cultural) pressure? I don't think so but it sure plays a huge part. What next? People who aren't dark enough and who don't speak Tagalog (or Filipino, to be politically correct) fluently aren't considered Filipino? If such is the case, the direction our society is gearing towards is disturbing. We ought to remember the lessons of the holocaust.

on the up-up...

Well, yeah...just like the header says. I'm kinda happy these past few days. No, it's not due to the use of recreational drugs. I've just been kinda happy. My sister in law left for the Philippines the weekend before last. That left my brother and I to our own devices. Right after we brought her to Changi and said our farewells, we went straight to the mall to buy XBox 360 games! Something we never do when she's around.

Last Saturday we also went out to go see Vantage Point. The movie started off well but by the third time rewind schtick, I kinda got bored. Plus the ending is soooo "meh". Nonetheless, we had fun. Saturday evening my mom called and asked for a list of stuff I needed and wanted from back home so she could go out and buy them before my sister in law flies back. 

This is where things start to get deep. My mom actually accused me of being an atheist! Damn! That actually hurt. I've been pretty open about my being agnostic at home. I question their religion a lot and they seem to be fine with it. I had no idea she took this personally. It's like "I brought you up to believe in a God." I'm like "I still believe in God just not in religion". But I think I didn't communicate that part well with mom 'cause she certainly didn't understand any of that crap. So to keep things short, she guilted me into hearing mass last Sunday.

So, I told my brother that we had to go to mass on Sunday or we're both gonna have a very angry mother. We both accused my sister in law of ratting us out but when we got to talk to her, we found out she didn't talk to mom about that. 

So off we went to church last Sunday. We took the cab since we were cutting it close.I HAD to cook breakfast after all. So we got there. The church was packed full of people. Mostly Filipinos but there's the occasional local, malay and expat here and there. The mass was supposed to be in Tagalog but a chinese-local priest presided so we only got to sing Tagalog songs but the rest was in English...erm...Singlish. The priest did well, I actually found his homily interesting and it his jokes were funny.

All in all, a good weekend. I felt happy after I went to mass. I don't know if it's faith or just remembering good memories. I hope this good feeling carries on for a while. I'm not looking forward to crashing back into depression anytime soon.

Knock It Down...music shuffle game

(from Deej!)

RULES: Put your music player on shuffle. For each question, press the next button to get your answer. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it sounds!

1. If someone says "Is this okay?" you say? I Could Stay Away Forever (Snow Patrol, Songs For Polarbears album). How apt! I don't want to go back.

2. What would best describe your personality? I Will Follow You Into The Dark (Death Cab For Cutie, Plans album). Gullible?! I'll never do that unless we intend to have fun in the dark!

3. What do you like in a guy/girl? I Could Be Wrong (The Starting Line, Direction album). LOL! If I didn't know better, I'll probably think my iTunes knows me well!

4. How do you feel today? Escape (Muse, Showbiz album). Well this is pretty much what I feel like doing everyday.

5. What is your life's purpose? I Could Lose Ya (Stereophonics, Pull The Pin album). How appropriately sad. At least I'll be seeing Stereophonics live on April 28!

6. What is your motto? Hello (Oasis, [What's the story?] Morning Glory? album). Simplicity at its best!

7. What do your friends think of you? Sunflower (Tonic, Sugar album). How sweet.

8. What do you think of your parents? Whipping (Pearl Jam, Vitalogy album). Definitely! It's nothing but "ouch" with those two.

9. What do you think about very often? Good Old-Fashioned Loverboy (Queen, Greatest Hits album). OMFGROFLMAOLOLBBQ!!1! Is my iTunes trying to say something?

10. What do you think of your bestfriend? It Must Be Love (Paolo Nutini, Radio 1 Established 1986 album). Mich?! This would make Joetech sooo friggin happy. If it were true...or even possible!

11. What do you think of the person you like? Love Is Not Enough (Nine Inch Nails, With Teeth album). Exactly! Love is never enough.

12. What is your life story? Deserts Eating Oceans (Daphne Loves Derby, Closing Down the Pattern Department album). Whoa! That's some deep shit...

13. What do you want to be when you grow up? King Diamond (Team Sleep, Team Sleep album) Hell yeah! I want cahs! Lots and lots of cash!

14. What do you think when you see the person you like? Take Me Away (Lifehouse, Stanley Climbfall album). Wow! Sweep me off my feet!

15. What do your parents think of you? Chump (Green Day, Dookie album). Major OUCH! But probably right...

16. What will you dance to at your wedding? Oh, It Is Love (Hellogoodbye, Zombies! Aliens! Vampires! Dinosaurs! album) Waaaaaay too sweet for my taste.

17. What will they play at your funeral? Hell (Foo Fighters, In Your Honor album). WTF?! Is this an omen?!

18. What is your favorite hobby/interest? Heroin Girl (Everclear, Ten Years Gone: The Best of Everclear, 1994-2004 album) For the record, I DON'T DO DRUGS...anymore!

19. What is your biggest fear? Fear of Sleep (The Strokes, First Impressions of Earth album) Okaaaaay, my iTunes party shuffle is starting to creep me out. It's not like I fear sleep y'know? It's just that it doesn't come easily to me.

20. What is your biggest secret? Crawling In The Dark (Hoobastank, Hoobastank album) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fucking hilarious!!!

21. What song will be the title when you repost this? Knock It Down (Fastball, Make Your Mama Proud album)

dilemma is the catch word of the day...

Ok...so good news first. I've got two interviews this week. Well one was today actually. The other one's on Thursday. When things sound too good to be true, they usually are right? Also, when you've spent the past few weeks, months, or possibly your whole life living in outright suckiness (it's not a word, I know...) you tend to question good stuff when they come along and I would be the last to tell you you're wrong to do that.

So, last Saturday I again checked the paper. Well, it's like this, during Saturdays the Singapore Straits Times, our newspaper of choice, prints a complete segment full of classifieds and job postings. It's called CATS recruits and possibly the only reason I read the news except of course when the orangutan Ah Meng died. I set-up an interview with this company near where I live. It's for an IE position which is cools because that's exactly what I wanted.

Fast forward to earlier today...wait, it's yesterday already. I got a call at around 1PM from another company I applied to. This one's a sales job. I initially thought it's going to be something in the lines of research, like what a financial/business analyst does. How wrong I was! Well, I guess I did well with the phone interview because the girl I was talking to (who turned out to be the manager of the whole friggin sales department) asked me if I was willing to drop by the office at around 5PM for a face to face interview. So you could just imagine the panic that ensued after I hung up. It was an all out scramble to put together a decent interview outfit. Then a quick visit to Google Maps to plot my route and to find out which train to take.

Okay, so I ended up taking a cab to the place. So sue me. Funny thing, during the cab ride there, when I told the driver the address, I think he concluded that I was into business or some other shit. A very acceptable mistake since I gave him directions to the Bank of China building at the heart of Singapore's central business district. He began his tirade with an in depth discussion of the upcoming Beijing Olympics and how much money China could earn. Then we got into a discussion about the whole US mortgage crisis thing. He then continued to ask for my opinions about the dropping price of the dollar and if it would be wise to start buying US dollars and wait for the US economy to improve. I just played along and gave my honest opinions although I left out the part about me not having good financial acumen at all.

So I got off at the address. Then went straight up to the designated floor. I was welcomed by a pleasant front desk girl. She rang me in and told me to wait a while. I told her it was fine since I did arrive about 30 minutes ahead of the 5PM schedule.

Onto the interview itself. Usually, I have these red flags I watch out for during an interview and I'm sure interviewers have their own set of red flags to look out for. I found it unnerving that the interviewer kept on asking me if I am sure this is the job I want, throughout the interview. She also kept on discussing the grounds for termination every moment she got. She also kept on pestering me about my degree and why I would decide to "waste" my degree pursuing a career tha thad nothing to do with. Well, hearing all of this, you would think that I didn't get the job, right? Wrong! I was invited to the final interview stage tomorrow...wait, that'd be today at 2PM. She also told me that if everything goes well during the final interview, she actually wants me to start training on Wednesday! I asked her if I could possibly start next week, but she told me it was either Wednesday or kaputz.

So okay, a qucik rundown before I go ranting. I found out that the job designation used in the add was totally bogus and you couldn't imagine what the actual job scope/description is just by knowing the designation. I also found out that the job generally sucked but you could actually make tons of cash if you got the chops for it.

That lands us in dilemma-land now. I got home (I tokk the cab again...) and rested a bit. When my older brother got home, he immediately asked we how it went. So I told hime it went fine and if things continue the way they're going that I'd have a job by tomorrow and that I'll probably start working on Wednesday. Man, let me tell you, he actually smiled. I kinda get that because he is feeding me afterall and I'm not paying didly squat for anyhting in the meantime. Plus, he has a kid on the way. So we went into the particulars and I guess it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out I didn't want the job. Then he spoke the thing I feared most hearing: "At least it's a job..." Kaboom! Guilt trip around the universe! I tried to reason out that if I went through with the job, I wouldn't even be able to shop up for my Thursday interview. Remember? The job I ACTUALLY like?

Things got messier when his wife got home. I described the job scope and she honestly told me it sounded hard...and IT IS! We covered the basics while they ate dinner. If I get the job, I'll start earning money soon but I will, in turn, kill off any possibility of a better job. Since I won't have the time to go to interviews, Thursday interview, included. Also, if I started working, the company would get me an Employment Pass thereby rendering my one-year extended Social Visit Pass null and void. It also pretty much ends the useful life of my Employment Pss Eligibility Certificate since I no longer had to be eligible for something I would already be getting. How does this translate to my life? It means that I cannot quit the job because if I do, I wont have the legal right to stay in the country since I am neither a permanent resident or a citizen. The best I could do would be to quit, leave the country and re-enter giving me 30 dyas maximum to secure a new job. Or as my brother put it, I can't quit unless I already have another job lined up. Which is close to impossible since I won't have the time to pursue other employment options!

Things got a lot worse when my brother texted me a few hours ago (yeah, we're only a room apart, but he texted me anyway). He told me that if I really didn't want the job, that I shouldn't commit to it just yet and to "keep my options open". It was a nice sentiment and all, but it sounded like he didn't understand a word I said! If I get the job tomorrow, there are NO options left to keep open!!! Since I would be starting immediately. I also can't "not commit" because I already asked if I could possibly start next week and that request was met by a firm negative. I also got the distinct feeling that he only texted me after his wife told him how I felt. So it's like he was coerced into feeling sorry for me.

So I'm torn between seeking a job that would give me both personal and professional fullfillment and getting any job that would free me from being the financial leech (burden) that I am right now. Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually a pretty sensitive person and I understand how badly my brother wants me to start working. It's not just because he cares for me, it's also because it's expensive keeping me around!

Man...life DOES suck. I've been wishing for interview requests to pour in and when they finally do, they screw me up big time. Geesh! Whoever runs this universe has got a sick sense of humor!

playing catch up...

Time does fly and what sucks is that even if you stay still, time will still ebb and flow. Since I moved, I noticed that time moves faster here and no I'm not going nuts. Usually, when you're stuck doing nothing, times crawls right? Here, I don't do anyhting productive most of the day but I find that does nothing to make the day seem longer.

Plus, everytime I get to talk with a friend from back home, a lot has always happened. I feel stuck, like I'm shackled to a specific moment in time, cursed to watch as everything advances around me.

It's about time for a new distraction.

rainbow splash on American Idol

Well well well...I'm happily surprised with American Idol. As we all know, the 12 dudes (well, not all of them are "dudes" per se) sang this time.

I'm happy to report that the producers sure know how to edit their footage. There were a few flamers that performed that completely caught me off guard. The show was pure faggotry in motion! A few of the guys seemed like run of the mill guys during the episodes last week but proved to be more of a fairy than Tinkerbell herself!!!

This would be an interesting season indeed!

sometimes...it just happens

I had a blast during dinner time. No, we didn't eat out. No, we didn't have take away. NO, WE DIDN'T HAVE HEAVY DRINKS WITH THE FOOD!

I must say...good food is even made better when had with good conversation.So yeah, I'm happy about the conversation we had after dinner. Plus, the food was great of course...compliments of yours truly. The talk was kind of heavy but not the philosophical kind. More like real stuff. Family, past problems, our outlook in life. I've always had fun talks with my older brother. We usually like the same stuff. What I was surprised most was how much his wife and I had in common in terms of outlook.

Obviously, among the three of us, I sort of stick out like a sore thumb. It comes with territory. I was babied a lot when I was young and that kind of thing doesn't go away. But I must say, I must be maturing well to be able to carry a conversation about serious stuff.

I might not be making sense right now...it's just that I hadn't been having fun recently and tonight was a welcome change.

breathing but not really...

What do people call a stae of mind where everything seems to be trapped in such stasis that your mind races forward and everything gets left behind? Much like an out of body experience but without the feeling of separation. It's like you're still trapped in your corporeal form yet your brain functions out of it. What ideas your head thinks up is beyond the "here and now" of your body.

I've been having these experiences the past few days. Wherein I think ahead yet I am unable to piece together the ideas needed to bridge my plans for the future and my current reality. I'm not a selfish person, I want to succeed for my family. I want my parents to have it all. I want to be able to provide for my family in the most grand fashion. Understand me when I say that I don't dream of allowing them to live in excess (although that wouldn't be such a bad thing) but more in the terms of absolute comfort and security.

Why then does it seem that reality itself is hellbent on my failure? Are my dreams not justified? Am I asking for too much? Maybe yes...but hearing stories of such grand conquests makes me foam at the mouth. Makes want to taste success even more.

Alas, dreams of paradise are just that for one such as me...dreams.

fidgety

So...just got home from the cinema. My brother, his wife adn I decided to see Jumper today and it was cool. I really liked Jamie Bell's character. Sadly, Rachel Bilson looked old throughout the film. Diane Lane's presence was also wasted. Having a good actor do nothing should be made illegal.

I finally got to wear my new shoes. They behave all day and stayed comfy. We also went to a store for baby items and pretty much ended up spending a lot of money on different crap...cute crap.

when things go overboard

Argh! Just when I've decided to cut back on the drama in my life, this shit happens.

I've been spending a lot of my sleepless nights chatting with people I used to work with. They're like a second family to me and their constant disruptive emails actually make me smile from time to time.

The past few days we've been acting like kids and we've been taking sides in a little scuffle between two friends. It all started when both girls applied for a promotion and obviously, only on egot promoted. So their bff standing instantly became kaputz. Everything went downhill from there. Let's just refer to them as "churchperson" (cp) and "whore". So cp got the promotion and whore got mad, went crying to management and acted like a bitch would.

Recently, cp got into an iced tea dunking fiasco. Where she, in a fit of raged, dunked her glass of iced over someone from management. Et voila! Instant memo. She got transferred to a different team after that. Though she wasn't demoted, she lost the prestige of handling such an important team. Lo and behold, whore goes gunning for the position ever before the dust has settled. Then whore goes on to request management to issue a temporary restraining order against cp effectively barring her from talking with her previous team which would also be her FRIENDS. Yeah...grown-up behavior right?

So cp went typing away and sending comments via our yahoogroups (where current and past co-employees from the same training batch still get tot alk to one another) to inform everyone about what happened. So like kids we took sides and funny thing is no one sided with whore. Which wasn't all that surprising to me seeing as to how this whole thing was her fault.

What got on my nerves was what whore did next. She actually printed out all the emails and gave copies to management and feigned being the victim. Now cp is suspended pending termination...

WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!

living it up? yeah right...

I was accused by one of my friends of living it up here in Singapore while they were killing themselves with work. I went red in the face with fury...are you guys daft? Well, I guess you'd have to be to be a friend of mine. LOL! Yeah, a definite prerequisite...

What the hell people?! I'll admit the fact that I'm not dead tired over here but I am stressed out as it is. For the record: "I am definitely not living it up here." Bitches please, if I were living it up you guys would be the first to know.

Although, I did go shopping yesterday and got these new (well maybe not so new) Vans slip-ons. I got the black and white checkered ones with the colored 2007 (see? not so new...) Warped Tour logo. I saw it, fell in love and wouldn't get out of the shop without it. I also saw some cool new Chuck Taylor's that kinda made me wish I had a job right about now. I also checked out awesome Billabong goodies and it's official, surfing goods in the Philippines are insanely priced! If you want surf brand goods, call me and I'll see what I can do for when I go home either this March or on December.

Admittedly, the most drool-worthy part of the shopping trip was our little visit to Louis Vuitton. OMFG! I wanted to snatch the monogramed long billfold, the tan attache case, a cool lock pendant, leather bracelets and some of the sunnies! I also peed myself with excitement inside the store. I was so hyped my brother decided we shouldn't go to Charriol anymore lest I start foaming at the mouth.

xoxo - Joey

under pressure...

So...it took a while but I guess I'm back to my old blogging ways. I'm quite settled here already that I feel confident enough to start dishing dirt again.

The funny thing is, right about the time I've settled...it may be time for me to fly back home. To say that I feel confused, is a monumental understatement. My parents have been surprisingly ill-affected by my departure. I, on the other hand, surprised myself by feeling strangely fine. Sure I tend to notice vast differences between Singapore and Manila but I don't find myself yearning to be back home. Everywhere I look here, I see potential. I see "future me" walking along the sides of Orchard Road toting shopping bags from designer so and so ala New York fashion week. I've also begun my battle with the bulge and I'm now comfortably cutting back on serving sizes next up would be finding an exercise regimen that would fit in with my life.

Life right now is a huge ball of ups and downs but then again, when was it ever not?

Announcement (for those of you who give a damn...)

I would no longer be using my Globe number (09175777491) starting immediately. I would really appreciate it if you delete that number from your contacts list ASAP. I don't fancy having my mom receive earth shattering text messages from my friends. It'll be a few more days before she gets the SIM card but nonetheless please cease all communication with that number.

I can still be reached via IM (fastest way), all my known email addresses (except my bluebottle account, I'm no longer using that) and my Singapore StarHub number. I understand that this probably means it'll be more expensive to keep in touch and fully accept it if some of you stop texting all together.

Thanks for understanding.

XOXO - Joey

finally here and it still hasn't sunk in...

Just got my laptop fired up. Good thing my brother already has a wireless network set up at home so no wires to bother with. My flight touched down just a few minutes past eleven PM.

I'm still kinda groggy from serious sleep deprivation but I already have a little tour scheduled tomorrow. My brother will be bringing me to the market since I decided I'd cook for the people here tomorrow.

G'night for now...

xoxo JowEE

when your brain leaves your heart trailing...

I've done nothing but whine all day. It doesn't matter who I end up talking to, just as long as he/she has ears.

I've pretty much wrapped my brain around my departure tomorrow. Problem is, I feel nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing about it. It's like my brain is on overdrive while my heart is strangely absent. Is this what it feels like to be in Denial? If it is, I really don't understand why grieving people stay stuck in it for so long. I don't feel anything. It's like I'm stuck in a void where nothing matters but being logical about the move.

I know (as a matter of fact) that I'll probably be missing everyone over here. Then why am I not feeling sad? Does it come when I actually start to miss them? Does this mean I'll suddenly collapse in a torrent of tears when that time comes? I haven't shed a fucking tear thinking about what I'll be missing for at least twelve (well, that's if everything goes according to plan) whole months.

I just want to feel sad. I want my heart to aknowledge the fact that I'll be ripping out a part of my soul and I'll be leaving it behind with the people I love. I've even exposed myself to the saddest songs I have on iTunes yet...nada! Nothing! Kaputz! Richard Ashcroft would have gone sore ages ago if he were really beside me singing Bittersweet Symphony. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

Am I so fucking mature that I have taken all this with a grain of salt? What makes me leaving any different from any of my other problems I've overreacted to and with much gusto if I might add. I had my hair cut earlier. My mom even took time away from her day to sit me down and color my hair (the people in the salon can't get it right, I always react badly to their coloring) this afternoon. My dad - yes, the same miser that pinches the life out of pennies - just gave me cash to bring with me. Yes people! Cold hard cash! Even that didn't make a dent in my armor of insensitivity.

Don't get me started on why I need to cry, why I need to feel bad because I can't explain that either. I just know it's what normal people feel when they leave loved ones behind. And bitches please, don't even give me the "you're not really leaving them behind" and "their always in your heart" speeches. That's like telling me Santa Claus is real.

So yeah...my heart is probably somewhere out there looking for me. After my brain, purposely pulled it out of my chest and kicked it a thousand miles out. Or maybe I'll pull a stunt similar to what a friend of mine did. Act normal until I'm actually seated inside the plain and finally let loose with my emotions when all has sunk in. I really don't need that. I'd hate for the person who'd be stuck beside me for three solid hours to look at me like I'm a crazy person OR WORSE...try to fucking console me. That's a monumental bitch fight waiting to happen.