Fagnostic...

This is probably the first time I posted a video (or any form of media for that matter...) alluding to a subsequent post. I posted Jay Brannan's "Goddamned" as sort of an intro (if you would) to my ramblings.

I've been dealing with some deep shit recently. I mean with the boatloads of idle time I have, who wouldn't be pushed into making phiosophical discourses with their inner being?! LOL!!! I've always had questions about my faith (for those not on the down-low, I was born into a Roman Catholic family and was thus baptised without much preamble) and all these questions have snowballed into the very scary (and sinful...yes, in the biblical sense) five letter word - "D O U B T". People who question their faith and who actually try to think for themselves have always been negatively labeled by the church (if not outright classified as apocryphal...). We have "doubting" Thomas and whatnots.

It all began with my pure unadulterated fear of death. I kept on thinking why I was so afraid of dying. So I kinda realized that I was (and still am) terrified of dying and finding out (although I don't know how I would find out) that there is no God. I fear death being the end of everything. I don't want to cease existing and the usual solution doesn't do anything for me. Unlike the egotistical bastards of yore who sought to immortalize themselves through their acts of conquest or even by their breakthroughs, I am not satisfied by merely knowing that I will be remembered. No, I want to go on living...EXISTING. I don't fear mediocrity and being rendered invisible. I fear losing all sensation.

I guess most people would hold on to their beliefs and gods tighter after thoughts like these. But I had a different reaction. I want to find out how to stay alive and not any of that BS about putting myself to cryogenic rest until people discover the secret of immortality (although that would be sweet). I never want to die. So I promptly started introspecting and discovered that I had no strong belief in the christian faith to begin with. So it goes without saying that if the christian god were the true god, there is simply no way in hell he'd reward me with salvation, eternal life and all that jazz. The catholic faith has so many holes in it that none of its arguements hold water.

I immediately thought of myself as being an atheist but I couldn't force myself to believe in the non-existence of a higher power. That just simply meant life is a one-shot thing and I could bring myself to swallow that pill. So being agnostic is working out for me quite nicely these days. I simply accept that there are things that we are not meant to know. I'm appeasing myself with such an asian philosophy. Accepting things as they are and not questioning, simply experiencing. I'm consantly having to mentally berate myself for wanting to dissect everything (the western approach) and digest every single morsel of knowedge I come accross.

Living like this is not only painful but it's turning out to be an empty existence as well. I am materialistic and am not afraid to admit so. My love for sensation and all things physical and material have made me a head case. A person who is afraid to accept anything vague. I want it underlined, highlighted and annotated. It's sickening...I KNOW.

xoxo
-Jowee