I felt the need to distance myself from the sad and angry words contained in this blog when I began to feel better. I'd like to say that picking at old wounds isn't my style but I'd be lying. I love rolling in my own emotional wreck like a pig in mud. I knew that perfectly well, ergo my need to separate from all the hurt this blog has accumulated.
Reading the words written above and knowing what this post is entitled may casually lead the reader to make haphazard conclusions. Most of you would be correct in that regard. Venting out into empty space has probably saved me thousands in Psychologist's bills. Only difference is, no one reads this anymore. Perhaps I enjoy fighting for a hopeless cause or I just really need to express my thoughts via some medium instead of letting them fester in my deranged mind. Reaching out, looking sorry and begging for attention is not how I roll contrary to popular belief. So this arrangement might work just fine.
The past two years haven't been full of successes and whatnot. I just didn't have the time to wallow in my own worthlessness it seems. Reminding myself of the things that lead to this blog's creation, I begin to see that nothing's really changed.
I do have a job now but it is in no way stable. Working part-time at a university doesn't make you a professor nor does it make you a real educator. It just makes you someone who thinks he/she deserves to teach younger people. I have nothing of value to teach these kids. Half of the conversations I have with them devolve into utter nonsense. I end up telling them how much fun I had back in college or some other story to make myself appear to be worth something more than I really am. It is no secret that I was miserable during college. I might have had fun here and there but overall, I underperformed, made myself an outcast and just generally wasted precious time and effort not counting my parents' money.
Mom telling me that my older brother could have performed a lot better in school had she taken the time to tutor him like she did me brought it all into focus. That moment she took to express one of her regrets to me translated into "You're really nothing special Joey, you're brother could've easily done whatever it is you thought you were so great for achieving had I given him the attention." I really can't take those words against her now could I? Not when her words proved to be accurate. My brother is out there reaping the rewards of his hard work. He has a great family - another thing I could never give my parents. Believe me when I say I'm not sour-graping because I'm not. My sister is another one who did not live up to her potential. In my opinion, she's a very talented dentist that was laid low by a poor country and bad timing but I do envy her ability to remain happy and content. When we talk, we usually agree on how much life sucks but I honestly think she's happy where she is. She might not have proven to be the super successful dentist she wanted to be but being able to support us, her family (yes, yours truly included) speaks volumes about how responsible she really is.
Where does all this leave me? I've always said that regrets are things I like to hold onto because they remind me never to make the same mistakes again. I feel like stopping here for now because it's really hard to type when moisture clouds your eyesight. I'm sure I'll be back again. This time more frequent than the past, barren, two years.
