escaping the inevitable...

I've come to understand the fear that has tormented me these past few days. At first I thought it was just a wholesome amount of apprehension towards the possibility of me leaving my home. Then it grew to a feeling of guilt and shame due to my inability to secure my own future and to stray from my parents' finanvial support only to be lead straight to eating off of my brothers palm. After came a sense of loss. I feared being away from my friends. I did not want to face the fact that I'll most probably face problems abroad on my own. I've come to terms about how much a crutch my parents have been for me all these years. I've been limping along my entire life when I had two good feet and strong legs to start with...

I've now just realized that what I truly fear is the decision I must make. Sure I feel all of the things I mentioned above but all those feelings are consequential fears. They have yet to come to pass or they may not even happen at all. What scares the living daylights out of me is having to make the decision that might lead to the fruition of the aforementioned fears.

This epiphany came to me after I red a very heartfelt and emotionally charged email from my bestfriend Mich. In her email, she clearly expressed her sadness at my possible departure. What rang like a thousend bells in my head though was when she told me that I could stand up for what I really want. After living most of my life blindly following the directions my parents and older siblings have set for me, she reminded me that I am, in fact, an adult now and I could put my foot down and make my own decision. To hammer the last nail on the coffin, she ended by telling me that no matter what I decide to do, she'd support me all the way. Mich is truly my soulmate and she understands the depths of my psyche.

Mich, you were right in telling me that inadvertently, we do things that bring us face to face with events that show us, time and time agian, how old we truly are. Even though we have the uncanny ability to laugh at almost (emphasis on "almost") anything, we truly know when things get serious because we find we have no laughter to spare. During our thesis making days, Mich and I were the only ones who could afford to laugh at the darkest of moments but we experienced first hand, at the reliability run schedule, that there ARE times that even we could not find humor. Times that our mirth stops to flow. I was down and tired and she was outright nervous when our thesis refused to work up until the evening before our reliability run and even for a few tense hours on the day itself.

It's only the 30th today. Tomorrow will be the last day of May. My brother comes home the 22nd of June. In fact, this Friday (June 1st) his wife, Edissa, will be flying to Singapore just to get her PR papers and then go back with my brother on the 22nd. I'm pushing the decision away as much as I can. I have even refused to have my hair cut just yet...hoping that Jo Babaran from Intel will call one of these days informing me that I got the job and that she needs me to go to the Cavite plant for the actual job offer and to sign my contract.

I fear that the day is nearly upon me and what scares me most is up until now, I really don't know what I want. I am still unsure of what to say.

Should I leave? Can I hack it there? Will success come my way?

Should I stay? Will I regret not going? Will I spend a long chunk of my life thinking about what could have been?

Truth be told, for the first time in my life, I'm alone. I haven't been this alone. I couldn't respect myself if I fold under the pressure and make someone else make the decision. I'm also fed up with people telling me success stories about family, friends or friends of friends living their dreams in Singapore. I honestly don't know what to do, what to say. I don't even know if I have the strength to actually make the decision.

All is left is a few precious weeks...days...hours...time, right now, isn't at a standstill...it's moving so fast, like a huricane. I'm afraid...very afraid.

when titans collide (or sit down and talk...)

Saying that Steve Jobs and Bill Gates have different approaches to everything is a massive understatement. These two big-wigs of the technology world have been dictating the direction technology has taken for quite some time now.

They have had disagreements and outright squabbles but everything has always been conducted from a distance. One key milestone was Bill Gates making a phone call to Steve Jobs back in 1997 but that is a close as they've come...UNTIL NOW.

They are scheduled to hold a 75-minute joint interview today with a panel of tech executives.

More info HERE.

and in the news...

It's been a while since I last fullfilled my duties to society. Now that I have more time though, I've decided to acquaint myself with the goings-on in the world. Lo and behold, some of the most interesting and disturbing news bits I got a hold of.

• Miss USA Rachel Smith does a butt-plant in the Miss Universe 2007 competition.

• Big Brother Australia under fire for refusing to tell contestant Emma Cornell that her father has passed away. Media fears the possibility of BB Australia telling Emma on air to boost ratings. Big Brother maintains that the decision to keep Emma out of the loop was requested by her family.
• Mika is apparently confused at the lack of support coming from his gay demograph. All I can personally say is: "Duh!? This is what happens when you keep on denying you're in fact, gay!".
• Polish homophobia extends to Teletubbies. Apparently, the fact that Tinky Winky (the purple one) carries a purse (or clutch, whatever...) is disturbing to Polish authorities. Ewa Sowniska, an appointed government official for children's rights, is looking to have pyschologists verify Tinky Winky's sexuality. On a personal note, apparently, Poland has learned nothing during the holocaust.
• Peel Hotel - First Australian bar awarded rights to ban heterosexuals. Tom McFeely, the owner of the establishment fears for the safety of his gay customers (it IS a gay bar after all...) due to incidents of heterosexuals harassing his gay customers. My two cents, WAY TO GO! At least some changes are happening down under.
• Moscow Gay Rights March Plagued By Violence - People who attended the march were surprised when they were attacked by anti-homosexual protesters. The international community has condemned this travesty. The Russian police did hold 31 people, the weird thing was, none of the 31 detainees were anti-homosexual protesters. It seems like the police was more hell bent on detaining the leaders of the Gay March. It is worth taking note that Yuri Luzhkov, Mayor of Moscow, previously referred to the Gay March as "satanic". The offenders are members of ultra-nationalist groups and the Russian Orthodox Church. The march was set to celebrate the 14th anniversary of the decriminalization of homosexuality in democratic Russia.
• Ornlando Bloom set to go nude on stage. Maybe he could get pointers from Daniel Radcliffe hmmm...on a more personal note, the trend of big-name stars willingly stripping for the stage is indeed a welcome change!

Please click on the links to read more on these events.

playing with technology...

I'm playing around with mobile blogging right now. I'm not even sure this will post correctly. I've been unable to go online the past five days and it's starting to seriously grate on my nerves! So i'm trying to explore other mobile opportunities (beyond my handy-dandy notebook... Blame Blue's Clues! And my old phone-I miss my XDA mini!) I just found out that my dsl connection is working fine now but since my room still looks like a war zone, I can't sleep there. In the meanwhile, I just left my notebook running while iTunes finishes some (new songs, tons of podcasts, and the badass season finale of Heroes!) downloads. I wanted to look for episodes of "Blood Ties" but I guess that can wait. After all, I DID go through both Underworld DVDs today. Still, my vampire obsession is insatiable. I'm also keeping my eyes peeled for Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds (hence the picture) yum! I'm sooo getting the DVD! Oh well, I hope to see this posted properly when I go online later. For now, toodles from the land of mind-numbing boredom! Kiss kiss!

forced abstinence...

aka REPRESSION!!!

Hahahahahahaha. My online alter ego was rendered dead by my inability to connect to the world wide web due to various reasons. One, is of course the ongoing construction that's happening here (I am glad to announce though, that the new floor is "structurally" complete...with the matching new staircase!!!) and throughout the whole friggin house. Second is my little debacle with the nice people at PLDT DSL because of their inability to supply me with the service I am very much paying for. Lastly, the bastard I have for a father, had a few (I'm being sarcastic...) choice words to utter about my computer ethics...or lack thereof. If I want to spend the ENTIRE day in front of my lappytoppy, I can do so! GOD DAMN HIM! As if there are other worthwhile things to do here...

So I put myself in pseudo-strike mode by not using the computer for the longest time...Hmmm, I miss the good old days of "fatherless" computing...

take that PC!!!

I'm all for the mac people!!!

My life for Aiur!!!

It's official! Blizzard is working on the sequel to the massive real time strategy game Starcraft! I'm glad they're doing this. Sometimes we need respite from orcs and elves (Warcraft) else we grow weary of Azeroth and Lordaeron altogether. Click on Zeratul to be redirected to the official game site. [As of posting time, only Protoss information is available...not that I care. Protoss r0cks0rz!111]

argumentum ad captandum

I think I have been going about the process of redirecting my life the wrong way. I have said time and time again that I will cease to measure my life according to other's standards becasue by doing so, you fall victim to their judgement and criticisms. The truth is, there is no possible way to escape comparison.

It has always been easier to choose the common path...the path everyone takes. After all, a popular decision is a decision that will be least likely subject to opposition.

Instead of removing myself from the measures of society, why not take my journey off the beaten path instead? Trying to pursue honorable goals has never been my strong suit anyway...why not live my life in a different way, not necessarily being subvertive but taking more of a novel approach.

I have beenexposing myself to pressure that shouldn't have been there in the first place. I may be a bum right now, but I actually enjoy surfing the net the whole day and being able to blog at my desired pace. To be with my family all the time (okay, maybe not "all the time"...) and be able sleep when I feel like sleeping.

I wouldn't exactly call my life right now "off the beaten track" but it sure is a laid-back approach to being an abject failure.

Whatever...making the popular choice is for the weak. It's time to start blazing my own path, a path that can either lead me to overwhelming success or complete and total disaster. It doesn't matter any more...just like Frank said: "I did it my way."

awww...so sweet

I still think kissing is the most erotic and tender thing lovers can do...

IDAHO releases Homophobia ''Hall of Shame"

May 17 marked the International Day Against Homophobia (IDAHO). This day commemorates the exact day when Homosexuality was removed from the World Health Organization's (WHO) list of disorders back in 1990.

The Hall of Shame was released not to show the worst offenders but to shed light on some world leaders who have used or lent their power to perpetuate homophobia. The list includes some very powerful people not the least of which would be Pope Benedict XVI himself. The list also includes: George Bush, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (President of Iran), Roman Giertych (Minister of Education for Poland), Bienvenido Abante (Representative in the House of Congress - Philippines).

The press release also includes some milestones that show there is still hope. These include advances in Nepal, Denmark, Mexico and in the United Nations.

I suggest you guys take the time to read this one. You owe it to yourself to be aware so you can continue to act as responsible human beings capable of respect for everyone. Also, I've covered some of the "offenders" aforementioned in my previous posts. It would also be nice if you took the time to read up on these people as well so we might not repeat their mistakes.

bad blog...BAAAAD BLOG!

Time to see the power of media...and the power of stupidity as well.

I bet most of you have heard the recent news about Apple losing 4 billion dollars of capital revenue in just six minutes! Yes! FOUR FRIGGIN BILLION (that's a thousand million!!!) DOLLARS!

Apparently Engadget, a news blog, upon receiving an email from a trusted (not anymore...LOL) source, promptly posted on its site the details about delays in Apple releases. They went on to announce delays in the release of the iPhone and Apple's next generation OS the MacOS Leopard. After the post's release, the market reacted fairly quickly hence the $4B drop.

My suggestion: stop getting news or stock tips from second rate websites. If you'll take the time to read the comments posted on that specific news item, you'll see "smart" people questioning the validity of the report and actually taking the time to check on Apple's investor relations and press room web pages first. The rest of the morons who sold their stocks out of fear can be likened to herds of wilderbeasts who stampede upon any sudden movement. If you watch National Geographic or Animal Planet enough, you're very familiar with this scene: wilderbeasts drink from a watering hole, a flock of birds land to drink as well, wilderbeasts see movement coming from birds, wilderbeasts stampede out of the watering hole...SCARED OF A FEW FRIGGIN BIRDS!!!

standing before the great divide...

I have been struggling as of late to secure myself a decent job. By decent, I'm referring to jobs that offer reasonable (I'm not looking to make millions...yet) compensation with competitive training and experience. Ultimately, my goal is to get a job that would increase my marketability. Sure, a big fat paycheck would be nice, but I'm more concerned about how my job would look on my resume.

So I've applied time and time again to jobs in multinational companies. I've explored every available avenue of engineering jobs there is. I tried Industrial Engineering fields, Customer Support Engineering, Process and Product Engineering, SAP support and what not...all rendering mediocre success. I've even entertained the possibility of returning to the call center industry albeit in a manegerial position.

My mom told me a few days ago that my brother was quite irritated as well at the status of the engineering job he had set up for me in his old company. It was progressing far slower than we both had originally hoped. Apparently, he discreetly told my mom that if he were to come home this June and I still didn't have a job, he would come get me. He plans on bringing me back with him to Singapore and to continue my job hunt there. Honestly, I was surprised upon hearing this since I honestly thought he was the one against me prematurely going to Singapore. He had always been the one to preach about the all mighty importance of previous work experience before trying my luck there.

What prompted my mother to divulge this treasured piece of information was my speech about considering teaching in La Salle if all getv awry, I discussed how I would teach while I worked my way up to a master's degree in my engineering field since instructors were given huge discounts if not full scholarships in DLSU.

My reaction, after having time to get over my initial disbelief was apprehension. Now here is where everything gets a bit confusing...it's when the preverbial shit hits the fan. I actually found myself hesitant at the prospect of going to Singapore and trying to work there. Apparently, my brother's dogma about building a good resume locally with solid work experience has become deeply ingrained in my head that doing otherwise became preposterous! While mom was explaining how my brother was willing to support me for two months while I try my luck, I was already formulating a solid plan of attack to escape this proposition.

To make matters worse, all the friends I've talked with today have lectured me on how much of a wonderful opportunity I'm missing out on. I chatted with Van who, ironically enough, is the same person I've asked help from regarding my Intel application. She told me not pass up on the chance to establish myself abroad. I explained my reasons and how I only plan to stay in Intel for about a year or so (but I really plan on staying AT LEAST two years) then I'll go and leave with my brother. Next in line was Joetech (the "other" Joey, drives him wild when I say that) who in the midst of his rants about how sucky his current job was, took the time to emphasize how lucky I was right now...he simply doesn't know how much I envied him when he got his job! There's also Keeks who urges me to just go there and try it out. She even explained how I could get over my reluctance to go there (due to the fact that my brother will be supporting me THE WHOLE TIME!) by helping out around my brother's house, cleaning up, cooking and what not.

I just couldn't understand why my friends don't get my point. If I was sure I'd get a job in Singapore the moment I get there, I would have no qualms about leaving right now. They have to understand that I don't want to feed (more like leech) off of my brother if I couldn't guarantee him success. If I fail in securing a job within the two months he'd give me, all his expenses in supporting me would be for naught and I don't want that to bear on my conscience! Why can't people get that?! I'm not being selfish...it's the complete opposite in fact! While the people who do get me somewhat accuse me of cowardice! They frown on my lack of confidence to try and ride it out abroad! I understand that risks are a vital part of our progression but I honestly don't believe that at this specific instant, I should go play with the cards I've been dealt. I think I should wait out a few more rounds until I get a better hand.

I'm utterly confused right now and I don't know where to go from here AND I only have a couple of weeks left to decide! If there has been any appropriate time for an epiphany, now would be the right moment!

"It Won't Be Soon Before Long" now up!

The new Maroon 5 album has already been uploaded. Just head on to my music page and download away!

got dibs on the new Maroon 5 album!!!

It's fantastic! Think "sexy Beegees" and you've got the new album in a nutshell!!! I never knew disco (or dance, whatever...) infused rock could sound so damn manly and sexy! I've got to give it to Adam Levine...I almost peed my pants hearing him sing the new songs.

I'll be posting the entire album here. So, hurray for my contacts! I really urge you guys to listen to it.

"Dude, get your own."

Sony will start rolling out its new slew of ads targeting its 13-17 year old demographic. For those too busy to watch TV and catch the "catchy" (Wow...twice in a row! I must be getting dumb...) commercials, click this LINK.

QJ.net will be streaming the first out of a total seven planned ads that'll be airing. This change in target audience is also emphasized by the PSP's price drop to $169.99! Take that DS Fanboys!

the Goddess in me...LOL

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I got wood...

Not that kind PERVERT! It's literally raining splinters in our house. The macho guys upstairs (roof area) have started sawing plywood sheets to make the floors. Good thing is, by the same time next week, I'll prolly be able to go up there and see the progress for myself.

I'm currently hiding in my (soon to be) room with my sister. We have the AC at full blast so she could sleep. I was a good wench this morning feeding the guys and making sure they're hydrated. So my parents are cutting me some slack right now.

I also got good news from Globe today. After my two year lock-in period, they've decided to give me more than 50% off of my monthly bill (flat rate/base amount only) which is actually a huge deal because my bill reaches the thousands easily each month. I'm glad for the thousand sumthin-sumthin that I'll be saving. Which means...it's time to buy a new phone!!! I'm scoping the market for the usual types of phone I like, smartphones, touch screens, mobile PCs...and a clamshell here and there.

I'm done with my V3x...HUGE MISTAKE getting it. MY brother was only waaaay too happy to snatch my XDA Mini off my hands the moment he heard I was getting the V3x. Well, I had fun video calling everyone but that is as far as it goes. I miss full internet capabilities and puch email options. I'm currently looking at the Treo 750 (which Globe is willing to give me a discount on) or my beloved O2 brand's XDA Zinc or XDA Atom life. Also, I'm entertaining other possibilities since I'll be switching to Mac soon and these Windows Mobile powered devices won't hack it...call me old fashioned but I want my gadgetry coming from the same banner. I'm just hoping the Apple iPhone makes its asian debut soon. (Yeah right...) But I still have other options...a Palm powered Treo maybe? Or a Blackberry? (way too white-collar corporate for me!)

Well...whatever. I might decide to just postpone for a couple of months to see what comes up next.