evolution of thought...

Wow...days have passed without posting anything. It's certainly not the longest time I've strayed from blogging but it's the longest since I had the DSL connection set up.

A lot has happened these past few days. The last post I made was in my Blogger account...had something to do with paying bills and my complete inability to do so at that time. I'll just have that cross-posted when I publish this. I actually asked my sister to find buyers for my PSP UMDs (cds) collection and gave an offer of 1500 Php a pop...quite cheap actually considering they're all in very good condition and I was the first owner for all of them. The moment I sent her that text, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried, not just tears but the snot-inducing type of crying. I even went as far as getting my pack of "promise" cigarettes (the ones I keep to remind me of what I gave up and why...) and smoked the entire pack that night. I thought about going back to hurting myself but since I stay at home a lot lately, it wouldn't be wise to do so since my arms and legs are always exposed. Then out of pity, my sister decided to shoulder my billing responsibilities for this month.

Also, going home Friday night (from EK) we found out that Joy, my cousin, was already giving birth to her daughter. I remembered how she told me I was going to be a godfather and I felt useless again. I guess I'll be writing my name on the card attached to my sister's gift again. How utterly pathetic...

I end up thinking a lot about death again. The fact that an old lady, our neighbor who owns the nearby convenience store, just died doesn't help. Did they have abortion way back 1984? Because I actually wish my mother just had one when she was pregnant with me. I mean, all the people who know me well enough are aware of how scared I am of dying but if she had me aborted, then I wouldn't have had time for fear right? I knew her OB-GYN offered her the option of ligation after my brother came out. I wish she had it done...after all, her doctor said it herself: "You already have what you always wanted. A girl and a boy." or something to that effect. My parents also take every opportunity when I was younger to remind me of this fact. Every time the age difference between my brother and I was discussed, my parents would immediately explain that I was an unplanned (wish they'd just suck it up and say "unwanted") baby. That's why I always felt the need to be better than others, to prove to my parents that their "mistake" was worth having. Every time I ranked high in academics they would always expect better and they were very vocal about this. I always wondered why neither my sister nor brother got this kind of pressure. Whatever I did was never good enough for them. This might explain my shenanigans at school. Stealing Jesse's toy car back in the 4th grade then successfully blaming it on a guy named Ancheta, that whole stint with Mr. Tauyan that ended with me getting slapped on the face a lot by a very thick book (thanks Mr. Tauyan! I'll never forget this) and the various elaborate lies I built around me and that duped everyone as well. At such an early age I discovered the power of lies and I became pretty good at it. I can even lie to my parents' faces. Well, it's not that surprising with my dad taking into account as to how little he knows about me but my mother...how I cherished lying to her! She was always a good judge of character and having her fooled for the longest time never ceases to give me a rush.

Growing up it became clear how little power I had in deciding my future. I wanted to transfer to Ateneo for high school but my parent will hear nothing of it seeing as how my brother was heavily gravitated towards La Salle. I've long accepted the fact that I'll be living my entire life smothered by my brother's shadow, never amounting to anything, even a fraction of what he is and I'll always hate him because of that. No, he doesn't know I hate him because I lie to my family on a daily basis. I smile when I should smile and act as is proper. My sister is the one who has come closest to actually figuring me out but she's way too busy opening up to me. I'm aware it's a one-sided relationship but I try my best to get financial sustenance out of it. The people I really hate the most would have to be my parents. Sure, I love my mom but I hate her all the same. She always pretended to care about me but neglected to think about the repercussions of her making a lot of decisions for me. Her need to take care of me has left me weak. My dad whom I respect (because it is expected...) doesn't mean anything to me. He's just a nuisance I have to bear for a few more years to come.

We have always heard that we had no choice when it comes to our families but I wish we were the given to opt-out. Y'know, it like God showing you the cards you'd be dealt with in life before you say "ok" I'm ready to enter this fucking world! And let's talk about God as well, assuming he does exist of course...Honestly, I hate him more than I hate everything else. He just creates us and places us in this world to make us suffer. Yes, he does let us experience joy every now and then but just so he can take it all away at some time, to see our reactions.

I just watched the movie "Latter Days" and there's this one line by Elder Davies (played to perfection by Steve Sandvoss) that goes: "Do you read the Sunday comics? I remember when I was little, I'd put the newspaper close to my face and just see dots. Maybe life is like that, all we see are dots that don't make any sense but to God, it could be happy and sometimes...funny." Yeah! God laughs his fat ass off every time we do something wrong. I have never been one to advocate chaos or any of that shit but there comes a time in our lives that we are given the decision to forge our own path or forever be treated like sheep. Well, I'M NO FUCKING SHEEP!!! Yes, I'll still live my life according to my parents' directives but the moment they're gone, I'm gonna do it just like Franky said...MY WAY!!! I'll get the fucking tattoo I always wanted I'll get more piercing done. I'll even work where I want to work. I'll cease to be their little failure, I'll be my own failure and defiantly ask you fucking God...

"Are you entertained?!" because I fucking hope he is...

god bless the child who has his own...

...BECAUSE I HAVEN'T GOT ANY!!!

It's my favorite time of the month again! This is the time where bills start to approach their respective due dates and reactively, I get the most excruciating headaches as well.

My sister was nice enough to volunteer (I actually begged her...) to pay for my phone bill (not the plan but the installment shit) so I'm only left with DSL and Post-Paid plan problems. God bless PLDT because I haven't gotten the bill for our land line and DSL yet. I'm trying to deal with my post-paid problems and I find out that BPI has already charged my account the service fee because my savings is bellow the maintaining balance!!! Dammit...that was the last fucking proverbial straw. I might end up paying the minimum instead and hope for the best.

There goes my "attractive" retention offer from globe and with just two months to go at that!!! Fuck! I hate this...and I hate the fact that I can blame lots of people for what's happening in my life but knowing the fact that it wouldn't help blaming anyone either.

In related news...(cool segway) I'm actually seriously considering becoming an atheist. Does that make me a bad person? I mean, it's not because of the crap that's been happening lately but it's a question I have been dealing with for quite some time now...I dunno, I'll just ride it out and see what happens.

Oh...by the way, I had fun yesterday but I'm too tire to try and be happy today.

time-space warp!

Whoa! I just transferred a post from Blogger and it went nuts here in Multiply. There's a big difference in time! I published the "decompression..." post before "a new addiction". Hmmm...that's weird.

I know!!! I'M A HERO!!! Lemme see...if I concentrate hard enough, I can teleport myself to New York!

YATA!!!


So this is what New York looks like...OOOOH...a manga...FROM THE FUTURE!!! It's my destiny (unmei)!!!

Hahahahahahaha...I'm going nuts. I'm serious about the whole time differential thing though... but still, I miss my Heroes fix!!! I can't paint the future without it...hahahahaha...there I go again!!!

decompression...

Ok, let me just say...I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO GET MY CUPPA AT STARBUCKS TODAY (correction: yesterday)!!! I already had a feeling I wont be able to go to Starbucks's coffee break last Wednesday. Our van broke down and our stupid driver didn't have the common sense to bring the vehicle over for repairs. So, I even missed American Idol running around looking for a mechanic who would be willing to go with me to where we park our van. Knowing this doesn't make it less annoying though.

However, things started getting better when I got a hold of THE ULTIMATE HARD HOUSE ALBUM. Six friggin cds of Hard House goodness. They were even nice enough to classify the tracks. CD1 contains the Anthems, CD2 has the Floor Fillers,CD3 is Harder, while CD4 is Faster, CD5 list my favorite Hard Trance tracks and lastly CD6 is dedicated to the Classics. I literally went into a music induced coma. I spaced out and ignored everyone.

Next up, my cousin RJ (aka Xefyr) popped up early this month with free tickets to Enchanted Kingdom so we planned to go there immediately. My older sister was obviously the first to be invited because she's the only one with a license. Since she's going, I'm also in, because she wont agree to go on long road trips without me. So that was settled and we only agreed on a day this week and we're going Friday (wait...that's technically today) and we even prepared provisions and stuff.

So earlier (more like yesterday) we went on a short trip to the Mall of Asia to grab some stuff. I decided to make chicken salad sandwiches so we wont get hungry. It was all set and even my aunt (RJ's mom) told us to bring their van (is a Revo considered a van?) instead of cramming five people inside our car. Oh, I forgot to mention, Macky (RJ's younger brother) and Wit (his beau) are coming as well. I'm not overly excited about going but I'll take a trip to Laguna over staying at home any day. I just hope it doesn't get blazing hot later.

Also, I promise to upload the new cds I got as soon as I'm free again. Which nowadays occurs often.

OMG! So not true...

I wish I never took the test. I blame Deej for posting this in his blog...

regrets...

My sister and I had a significantly serious discussion last night. And yeah, we talked before my last two posts. Sorry I didn't type it right away. I had to digest it first. Now, I have the opportunity to regurgitate what I've digested (eeeeeew) and share it with you.

We were basically talking about past mistakes and the regrets that inevitably accompany them. I was feeling bad about the decisions I made during my college days. I'm still regretting my decision (or lack thereof) to take up engineering. I'm still itching to study or at least do something connected with advertising. I really wanted to take up Advertising or a double management (or at least an Arts/Commerce) degree. I honestly think I'm better suited for that. My sister also thought back to her decision to study Dentistry. It would've done her good to take up a communications or language course 'cause that's what she's naturally good at. I'm not dissing my sister's talents as a dentist. Don't get me wrong, she's awfully good at that too but looking at the respective career paths we took, one can't help but question our intent when we decided on our degrees...

The tenets of Bushido say that when an action is done with honor, there is no resounding feeling of regret. That's why it is a sin for samurai to feel regret. Is it really possible not to regret anything? Can people do it right in one go?

convergence...

Don't you just love how some things in our lives are inter-connected? And isn't it better when things are compatible enough, giving you a fluid feel? Well, it seems that even the tech world is getting smaller and smaller!

It is painfully obvious (if you've seen my past tech related posts) that I am a HUGE fan of Google! I'm into Google search, GMail, Google Reader, Google Earth, Blogger, and even Picasa2! I'm also a fan of how the smart people at Google labs are making it possible to link up most of these different technologies. Now, I can even share my RSS and Atom feeds with you guys ergo the new nifty "widget-y" link on the right side of my page. Also, some of you might have noticed how some of my newer posts contain links to Picasa2...which inadvertently happens when I post a picture directly from the Picasa2 application-NIFTY TRICK!!! Also, for those with GMail accounts (if you don't have one but WANT one-leave a comment with your email addie and I'll send you an invite) have you noticed that our mailboxes have been beefed up to 2.8 friggin Gigs worth of space?! Take that Yahoo! Mail! This of course comes with free pop access!! I'm beginning to sound like a used-cars salesman but I don't care! Even my Firefox browser works better with Google-y stuff. Totally cool!

Now, don't get me wrong. I actually like the Yahoo! stuff as well. With Flickr and other stuff but I just honestly think Google packs more "umph" in every thing it dishes out. While Windows is starting to look so stuck up with the release of Vista and the accompanying Vista-Exclusive crap they offer. This actually makes my decision to switch to Mac sound all the more reasonable.

Point is, make technology work for you. You have a wide variety to choose from, don't drown in it. Start your own convergence story just like mine.

walking through fire and ice...

For the past few weeks...months even, I have done my part in helping the household shave off a few Pesos off of our electricity bill. What I do is, when my sister has work, I stay in the our room for the alloted eight hour period during which our air-conditioning unit is turned on. After the eight hours are up, I then transfer to my parents room where I flop down to sleep. I usually stay up late and do most of my computing at night and just leave my laptop open to download stuff when I switch rooms. This is also the main reason I agreed to the whole eight hour thing because I keep my laptop on for days on end. (Feeling a little guilty...)

Suffice to say, I end up having to be in the same room as my dad for prolonged periods of time. Mind you, everytime we are left at home together, he usually goes to the billiards hall, if he doesn't, I lock myself up in my room. That pretty much sums-up the kind of relationship we have. Surprising to say, we have exchanged more words during the past weeks than we had for an entire lifetime. My dad loves to stay up late as well and we end up watching late night news and expose/special features (both local) as well. Our political stands don't mesh well to say the least and I find that I actually enjoy the late night discussions cum debates in connection with the news we watch. It's also surprising that I'm watching local television again. My TV viewing range is just between channels 22 (Discovery-the original one) and 51 (Hollywood channel), only venturing to lower channels to watch news but channel 16 (CNN) is as low as I would go.

Now, I find myself bombarded by questions. It's been so easy living my life spurning my father for being his usual self but it seems that my impression of dad is being challenged at a very basic level. I find myself confused and I end up doubting my decisions. I am aware that my father and I are completely different persons and I have even gone as far as saying "I am NOT my father's son." - in the figurative sense of course!

We can't choose our parents and we just end up with who we have. Living in this hoopla of filial statistics and probabilities, we just come up with ways to make our living arrangements more..."liveable". I for one have no final say on the matter (I used to have one but I'm rethinking my position.) and will continue to duke it out with the questions plaguing my saturated head.

gentlemen, start your engines...

The Australian Grand Prix is just around the corner and I'm off looking for a good red shirt to wear on that day. I may not be a crazy Tifosi but my blood runs red enough. And now that my all time favorite driver Kimi is with the big red, I'm even more excited. Sure, just like any fan I feel bad about Schumi's departure but the future looks bright. I still, however, disagree with the forecast that Massa will be the man to carry the team this season. All in all, I just want Scuderia-Ferrari to win again and for that mighty prick Alonso to get sidelined.

going bananas...

I'm still reeling from the last episode then it suddenly hits me...NO NEW HEROES EPISODES UNTIL APRIL 23RD!!! I don't know if I can last that long. We're talking about seven whole weeks here! And the last episode doesn't help AT ALL!!! Just when it gets good, it leaves you hanging by a thread. I honestly think it's a brilliant way of keeping audiences' interests piqued but it's also comparable to full out pyschological torture. After finding out the identity of the Hatian's french speaking boss, Hiro getting his sword, Nathan meeting Linderman, HRG getting busted, and Peter facing off with Psylar...

C'MON!!! I'M GOING NUTS HERE!!! Not even next episode's teaser trailer helped...

just when I thought it could never happen...

First, let me apologize well in advance for any typos in this post. I'm currently having a hard time with my tummy. I'm hyper-acidic as hell right now.

The past few weeks, I've been a good boy and I have tried my best to help lower the electricity bill. Due, in large part, to the fact that I feel so guilty for leaving my laptop on for days on end downloading stuff off of the net. So I'd work with my sister in counting the time our air conditioning unit is turned on in our room. After eight consecutive hours, I'd turn it off and go to my parent's room to sleep there. This way, we have it turned on for less time and I also get to stay in an air-conditioned room for a longer period.

So, noble reasons aside, I've been sleeping in my parent's room for weeks now and I usually go there around midnight or a little later. I usually set up my downloads first before leaving my room. So I end up staying late with my dad and we watch late night news and feature specials on local channels. At first I hated this nightly ritual since I abhor watching anything local for the fear of making myself go dumb but for the past few days, I find myself interested in the news. This is probably due to the fact that everything I see is about the election. More surprisingly so, my dad and I actually end up having interesting conversations, although I still argue with him a lot, for the meanwhile, we argue about something significant.

Since it's my sister's off today, I'm here in my room. I can't help but think that maybe there are such things as second chances. The real question becomes: am I willing to gamble on that second chance when I have lived so long not having a proper relationship with my father?

a loser but a winner all the same...

What is the difference between a jobless De La Salle University graduate and someone from let's say...a less known institution?

The answer: NOTHING...

Both would be unproductive members of society and would be dead weight to both their families. The distinction comes from their backgrounds, not from their employment status. We could say that a La Sallian bum still has the opportunity to go out and play, whereas the other graduate would be probably be drowning in financial woes. This makes the La Sallian graduate a "PRIVILEGED LOSER" while the other person remains a plain loser.

This has been the thought dominating my whole thinking process the past few days. I have tried to assuage my fears and parlay into activities that are more fruitful but every now and then, during an exceptionally dull part of my day, my mind can't help but wander...

I do my best to quell my worries and at times, I have found that it helps being around family. Doing stuff that you would not be able to do otherwise while employed is the focus of my daily routine. I washed my clothes at 2 AM this morning, just enjoying tea while I lounged in our sitting area downstairs while the washing machine did its thing. I helped my dad fix dinner earlier and even set the table with mom. The highlight would have to be making chicken macaroni salad with mom and dad. The times I actually enjoy my dad's company don't come that often and our little family activity earlier felt really refreshing.

In the end it, everything does become a matter of perception. Why do we tend to focus on the negative? Are we really capable of accepting everything in context and view our lives in abject objectivity like we should?

Right now, are you a winner or a loser?

relativity...

It is a fact that we can never be objective when it comes to personal matters. Unless of course, you had your heart surgically removed and you're now completely devoid of any emotion in which case you should realize that you are probably a few steps away from becoming a socially shunned individual.

Everytime a friend of mine feels down, I constantly remind them about how better off they are compared to other people. After all, the shock of reality should put an end to their incessant whining quickly. Now I ask myself, whenever I'm pissed, sad or both, do I take a short breather and do the same? Do I realize that children in Somalia don't eat three meals a day or that most of the people in Iraq have electricity for just three hours in a day? Of course not! Just as was earlier stated, we can never be objective when we put our ourselves on the line. A paper-cut is just a paper-cut until you hurt yourself while reading a good book. An occasion wherein we find ourselves irritable at best.

So the question now becomes: what do we still give out advice that we ourselves don't believe to be effective? Why do we expect other people to suck it up when we can't even endure a second of their pain? AND why do we still continue to make other people miserable knowing perfectly well that if we were in their position, it would really suck?

Answer: "BECAUSE WE CAN..." don't expect to unravel the intricacies of the human pysche in one sitting. The fact is, most people die never knowing...