evolution of thought...

Wow...days have passed without posting anything. It's certainly not the longest time I've strayed from blogging but it's the longest since I had the DSL connection set up.

A lot has happened these past few days. The last post I made was in my Blogger account...had something to do with paying bills and my complete inability to do so at that time. I'll just have that cross-posted when I publish this. I actually asked my sister to find buyers for my PSP UMDs (cds) collection and gave an offer of 1500 Php a pop...quite cheap actually considering they're all in very good condition and I was the first owner for all of them. The moment I sent her that text, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried, not just tears but the snot-inducing type of crying. I even went as far as getting my pack of "promise" cigarettes (the ones I keep to remind me of what I gave up and why...) and smoked the entire pack that night. I thought about going back to hurting myself but since I stay at home a lot lately, it wouldn't be wise to do so since my arms and legs are always exposed. Then out of pity, my sister decided to shoulder my billing responsibilities for this month.

Also, going home Friday night (from EK) we found out that Joy, my cousin, was already giving birth to her daughter. I remembered how she told me I was going to be a godfather and I felt useless again. I guess I'll be writing my name on the card attached to my sister's gift again. How utterly pathetic...

I end up thinking a lot about death again. The fact that an old lady, our neighbor who owns the nearby convenience store, just died doesn't help. Did they have abortion way back 1984? Because I actually wish my mother just had one when she was pregnant with me. I mean, all the people who know me well enough are aware of how scared I am of dying but if she had me aborted, then I wouldn't have had time for fear right? I knew her OB-GYN offered her the option of ligation after my brother came out. I wish she had it done...after all, her doctor said it herself: "You already have what you always wanted. A girl and a boy." or something to that effect. My parents also take every opportunity when I was younger to remind me of this fact. Every time the age difference between my brother and I was discussed, my parents would immediately explain that I was an unplanned (wish they'd just suck it up and say "unwanted") baby. That's why I always felt the need to be better than others, to prove to my parents that their "mistake" was worth having. Every time I ranked high in academics they would always expect better and they were very vocal about this. I always wondered why neither my sister nor brother got this kind of pressure. Whatever I did was never good enough for them. This might explain my shenanigans at school. Stealing Jesse's toy car back in the 4th grade then successfully blaming it on a guy named Ancheta, that whole stint with Mr. Tauyan that ended with me getting slapped on the face a lot by a very thick book (thanks Mr. Tauyan! I'll never forget this) and the various elaborate lies I built around me and that duped everyone as well. At such an early age I discovered the power of lies and I became pretty good at it. I can even lie to my parents' faces. Well, it's not that surprising with my dad taking into account as to how little he knows about me but my mother...how I cherished lying to her! She was always a good judge of character and having her fooled for the longest time never ceases to give me a rush.

Growing up it became clear how little power I had in deciding my future. I wanted to transfer to Ateneo for high school but my parent will hear nothing of it seeing as how my brother was heavily gravitated towards La Salle. I've long accepted the fact that I'll be living my entire life smothered by my brother's shadow, never amounting to anything, even a fraction of what he is and I'll always hate him because of that. No, he doesn't know I hate him because I lie to my family on a daily basis. I smile when I should smile and act as is proper. My sister is the one who has come closest to actually figuring me out but she's way too busy opening up to me. I'm aware it's a one-sided relationship but I try my best to get financial sustenance out of it. The people I really hate the most would have to be my parents. Sure, I love my mom but I hate her all the same. She always pretended to care about me but neglected to think about the repercussions of her making a lot of decisions for me. Her need to take care of me has left me weak. My dad whom I respect (because it is expected...) doesn't mean anything to me. He's just a nuisance I have to bear for a few more years to come.

We have always heard that we had no choice when it comes to our families but I wish we were the given to opt-out. Y'know, it like God showing you the cards you'd be dealt with in life before you say "ok" I'm ready to enter this fucking world! And let's talk about God as well, assuming he does exist of course...Honestly, I hate him more than I hate everything else. He just creates us and places us in this world to make us suffer. Yes, he does let us experience joy every now and then but just so he can take it all away at some time, to see our reactions.

I just watched the movie "Latter Days" and there's this one line by Elder Davies (played to perfection by Steve Sandvoss) that goes: "Do you read the Sunday comics? I remember when I was little, I'd put the newspaper close to my face and just see dots. Maybe life is like that, all we see are dots that don't make any sense but to God, it could be happy and sometimes...funny." Yeah! God laughs his fat ass off every time we do something wrong. I have never been one to advocate chaos or any of that shit but there comes a time in our lives that we are given the decision to forge our own path or forever be treated like sheep. Well, I'M NO FUCKING SHEEP!!! Yes, I'll still live my life according to my parents' directives but the moment they're gone, I'm gonna do it just like Franky said...MY WAY!!! I'll get the fucking tattoo I always wanted I'll get more piercing done. I'll even work where I want to work. I'll cease to be their little failure, I'll be my own failure and defiantly ask you fucking God...

"Are you entertained?!" because I fucking hope he is...