escaping the inevitable...

I've come to understand the fear that has tormented me these past few days. At first I thought it was just a wholesome amount of apprehension towards the possibility of me leaving my home. Then it grew to a feeling of guilt and shame due to my inability to secure my own future and to stray from my parents' finanvial support only to be lead straight to eating off of my brothers palm. After came a sense of loss. I feared being away from my friends. I did not want to face the fact that I'll most probably face problems abroad on my own. I've come to terms about how much a crutch my parents have been for me all these years. I've been limping along my entire life when I had two good feet and strong legs to start with...

I've now just realized that what I truly fear is the decision I must make. Sure I feel all of the things I mentioned above but all those feelings are consequential fears. They have yet to come to pass or they may not even happen at all. What scares the living daylights out of me is having to make the decision that might lead to the fruition of the aforementioned fears.

This epiphany came to me after I red a very heartfelt and emotionally charged email from my bestfriend Mich. In her email, she clearly expressed her sadness at my possible departure. What rang like a thousend bells in my head though was when she told me that I could stand up for what I really want. After living most of my life blindly following the directions my parents and older siblings have set for me, she reminded me that I am, in fact, an adult now and I could put my foot down and make my own decision. To hammer the last nail on the coffin, she ended by telling me that no matter what I decide to do, she'd support me all the way. Mich is truly my soulmate and she understands the depths of my psyche.

Mich, you were right in telling me that inadvertently, we do things that bring us face to face with events that show us, time and time agian, how old we truly are. Even though we have the uncanny ability to laugh at almost (emphasis on "almost") anything, we truly know when things get serious because we find we have no laughter to spare. During our thesis making days, Mich and I were the only ones who could afford to laugh at the darkest of moments but we experienced first hand, at the reliability run schedule, that there ARE times that even we could not find humor. Times that our mirth stops to flow. I was down and tired and she was outright nervous when our thesis refused to work up until the evening before our reliability run and even for a few tense hours on the day itself.

It's only the 30th today. Tomorrow will be the last day of May. My brother comes home the 22nd of June. In fact, this Friday (June 1st) his wife, Edissa, will be flying to Singapore just to get her PR papers and then go back with my brother on the 22nd. I'm pushing the decision away as much as I can. I have even refused to have my hair cut just yet...hoping that Jo Babaran from Intel will call one of these days informing me that I got the job and that she needs me to go to the Cavite plant for the actual job offer and to sign my contract.

I fear that the day is nearly upon me and what scares me most is up until now, I really don't know what I want. I am still unsure of what to say.

Should I leave? Can I hack it there? Will success come my way?

Should I stay? Will I regret not going? Will I spend a long chunk of my life thinking about what could have been?

Truth be told, for the first time in my life, I'm alone. I haven't been this alone. I couldn't respect myself if I fold under the pressure and make someone else make the decision. I'm also fed up with people telling me success stories about family, friends or friends of friends living their dreams in Singapore. I honestly don't know what to do, what to say. I don't even know if I have the strength to actually make the decision.

All is left is a few precious weeks...days...hours...time, right now, isn't at a standstill...it's moving so fast, like a huricane. I'm afraid...very afraid.