For those who check my blog from time to time (I love you! Hahahahaha...) you might have noticed I've not been updating as conscientiously these past few days. I went on a mini-sabbatical to get my head on straight again. I've been fighting with bouts of depression and general melancholia.
Surprisingly enough, I found the answers I sought in music. My music to be exact. In my eternal mission (fueled by outrageous amounts of zeal) to fix my iTunes playlists, I've come across a lot of tracks long forgotten. First I saw my old Christian Rock songs, so I thought God is mocking my incompetence. Then I unearthed my indie bootlegs and what-nots, so I thought...yeah, independence...run away...DO NOT CONFORM! Finally it hit me how much emo I've been intravenously subjecting myself to these past few months. Could this have been the source of my then "unexplained" sadness? Are these songs wired to make us hoplessly suicidal?
My epiphany came to me in the form of a question...whay the hell do we have so many classifications of music? We have referenced and cross-referenced songs over and over it's as if we are hell bent on making it nigh-impossible for anyone to appreciate it...specially ourselves.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO: "THIS SOUNDS GOOD, I LIKE IT." AND "THAT'S AWFUL. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I'M GONNA LISTEN TO THAT!"?
Then it hit me...all the complexities in our lives are our own machinations. We contiously cage ourselves, limit our strides. I have become what I loathed the most...sheep...FUCKING SHEEP! I have inundated myself with the tenets of society that I have, in turn, smothered my spirit. I have made it hard for me to draw upon anything attached to my uniqueness. I have become lost in the crowd...a fucking wallflower!
So I've decided. To hell with all my problems, they're chains holding me to the mundane and they are my own creation! I refuse to give in to society's definition of success. I am my own person. I'm sick and tired of feeling inept. I choose to be imperfect, to be human. Neither God nor society will dictate my path. I revel in my personal route to enlightenment. As long as I hurt no one, I will be fine.
I'm happily sad and incomplete right now...pain, after all, reminds me I am still alive.
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