on the verge...

It seems like I have finally managed to ruffle my mom's feathers. You know what she suggested we do tomorrow? She asked me if...no, scratch that, she TOLD me that we were going to hear mass tomorrow morning. Let me tell you, my mom will never ever ask you to go to church unless she feels you need it...BAD.

It is now officially one week and five days since my first sortie with the nice people in Amkor. After that very eventful day, I was advised that they will contact me for further information within a period of two weeks. As it stands, I have received neither phone call, SMS, email, nor good'ol snail mail from them. This is apparently being viewed by my mother as a possibly life threatening issue. (Hahahaha...)

The financial status of this household is near stable at best. With dad quitting his job and my brother still recovering from his rockstar wedding, this family's main source of income is my sister's work which, suffice, to say is not nearly enough. The only other source would be money coming in from my mom's work (which is not as consistent as we would like) since the school bus is just earning enough to pay for petrol and repairs thanks in large part to the gutless, useless and INSOLENT (he actually has the guts to order my mom, the woman he gets his salary from, around!?) driver. To say that this family needs any potential income I can bring in is a gross understatement.

The electric bill is quite acceptable since there have been no huge fluctuations there. Food is ok...I mean, I have yet (thankfully!) to experience hunger. I am planning on having my postpaid line cut but I will have to wait until I finish my two year contract, since I am not confident with my ability to pay this particular service on time. There is also the matter of the nine remaining payments on my (once) brand new mobile phone. After I have taken care of these problems, it goes without saying that I will start to cut back on other things.

I have also re-evaluated my professional plans. Once March hits and there is STILL no assurance from Amkor about the job, I will again (I hate to say this) reapply for a call center job. I think three weeks is a good enough amount of time to wait for any sign coming from the high heavens. I will also stop requesting for management positions when applying for call center jobs and I'll start accepting agent positions. The best I can hope for is a Technical Service Representative position, which pays nominally higher salaries.

If I don't get the job from Amkor within my desired time frame, I will start purging all connections to my college degree. I think this is a reasonable decision taking into account what my degree has done for me so far. The only good thing about my degree is the University from which it came from, making it easier for me to leapfrog above most idiots from crappy schools who apply for a position I like. I'm currently viewing job openings at Teletech because they have an office nearby at the SM office buildings across the Mall of Asia and Dell (again...) as well.

I honestly think it's high time to swallow any bit of pride left in me and just accept the fact that I need to start earning money for this family. Yes, I have finally accepted that we had no say in picking which parents bore us. I have similarly stopped blaming God for everything that has gone wrong in my life, deciding instead to redirect my energies to questioning his existence...think of it as a sort of Theo-Philosophical retaliation from my part.

I still promise to behave in a rational and civilized manner when dealing with everyone but I will also start severing ties with most people. People who mostly remind me of what a failure I have become. In so doing this, I believe it lessens the pain of living each day.

Coming into the stone and cement structure of our parish church tomorrow, I shall stand, sit , and kneel at the proper intervals but I REFUSE TO BEG WHOMEVER IS REPRESENTED BY THE WOOD AND CERAMIC IDOLS INSIDE THE CHURCH FOR A CHANCE AT EMPLOYMENT. I honestly believe with every fiber of my being that I have given enough to this forsaken world to be given at least an inch in return. I may be an asshole but I am not a selfish asshole. I have done my part in giving what I can to humanity, now it's humanity's turn to give me something back!

This entire post might sound just a little bit weird or even pyscho to most people and maybe they are right in assuming such. I for one will not vouch for my own well being...hahahaha.

I now remember the words of my third year high school chemistry laboratory teacher. When I told her: "That is not fair!!!" the reasons surrounding my retort have been lost in time, but I will never forget her reply...

"Darling, whoever said life was fair?" she speaks the truth...

cleansing...

I didn't post anything new for TWO WHOLE DAYS!!! Wow...I don't know why, I just ran out of things to say. Sure, I could've written stuff here, but what's the point in doing that if I were to do it just to make sure I have a post for each day that passes by? Maybe I was drained. I was inclined to discover than nothing happening in my life right now is even remotely interesting to other people.

My ideas come from my interaction with other people. I only capture different movements in my life. So...what happens when things start to stagnate? That is where I am right now. My life is sooo dull, I've resorted to writing about how dull it is. It's like a catharsis of this stagnation that's threatening to strip me of everything that makes me interesting, unique. I'm giving life to my troubles, my boredom. Blindly hoping that by doing so, it makes it possible to fight my problems. Giving them form and an admittedly stupid sense of tangibility should empower me to deal with them right?

I am running out of ideas (repeating it doesn't make it less significant, so it seems...) and I am falling prey to my mistakes. YES, it was a mistake resigning last December. YES, it was a mistake to rely on my brother's success in Singapore too much. YES, it was and still is a mistake to rationalize all my problems and blaming them all on dad. YES, it was a mistake to put aside my opinions and dumbly follow my mom and brother when I applied for my course. YES, it was a mistake to place my future in my brothers hands and an EVEN BIGGER MISTAKE following in his foot steps. Finally, YES, it was a mistake thinking that I could be successful even though I gave up most of my wants and gave way to my mom, dad, and brother's every whim.

Presenting my stupidity in a list like this does help. People might say it is foolish of me to dwell on past errors, but I would say that it is a lot more foolish of me to admit that (as it is made apparent by my list) I haven't been able to learn from any of my past mistakes. I believe I have sacrificed too much of myself. I have lost the real "ME" in the process of being a good son and brother.

I have done so well in hiding the truth, MY TRUTH, that even I am not sure what I WANTED FROM THE START. It's too far in the past. All I can do is shed tears while I am typing this down. A memoir of my mistakes in life. Easier remembered than my achievements.

REALITY HAS BECOME, AT LEAST FOR ME, A MATTER OF EARNING MONEY AND MAKING SURE THAT ALTHOUGH I WOULD UNDOUBTEDLY BE MISERABLE MY ENTIRE LIFE, AT LEAST I WOULD BE "COMFORTABLY" MISERABLE. Any success that I will garner from here on out will mean nothing to me. I exist to make my parents happy, to make my brother proud, and to make sure my sister always has a smile on her face. I have always lived my life for others, and it is to late to start living it for myself.

Sure, I'm just twenty-two, but what choice do I have? After doing one thing for so long, is there any chance of successfully doing anything else? After giving so much, is there enough of me left? I honestly doubt this...

zapped...

I'm totally drained. I need a change in scenery. I have been stuck at home for over two months now! This is driving me insane. This feels worse than when I quit smoking. I'm running out of things to do. If you want a better picture of my oh so nasty situation, I'll give you a peek:



See those? They are all anime DVDs that a good friend of mine, Ardex, burned for me. There are multiple episodes per disc, around 20-23 I think, and I am almost done watching them all! My eyes have also deteriorated because I only rest them when I'm eating or sleeping! Other than that, my eyes are glued to the boobtube or they're busy running over my laptop's screen!

To say that I'm living an inactive lifestyle is a massive understatement. I haven't even been out in the sun except when running a few errands. I have renewed respect for all the criminals in jail. I now know that their lives truly suck!

The internet has evolved from my being my playground to being my entire world. My only escape from boredom, even now, it's beginning to fail me in that sense. I wouldn't have conceived myself saying this just a few months back, but the internet is quickly becoming boring! I've gone through all the sites that usually hold my interest for a while and then some! The heat emanating from the bottom of my laptop is burning a hole through the floor!

All I need is a pleasant distraction...

a pact set in stone...

One last, promise!

Keeks and I have been talking about our plans to leave the country and build our lives abroad. She also made me promise that in the future, even though my friends and I are all living separate lives, we would still take the time to catch up and communicate with each other. I, of course, said yes.

This got me thinking. Out of all the relationships I built in my life, how many are still standing? I really wish everything could stay the way they are. Just like back in college, everything was simpler and we all managed to have fun through it all. I remember my best friend when I was in Kinder Garden, Krissy. In all honesty, we haven't talked since we graduated that year.

Very much like this country. Did Rizal, Bonifacio, Aguinaldo, and all the other heroes think that the democracy they fought for would bear fruit like this? Did they intend for the constitution to be used against the government's constituents, the same people it was made to protect? We can't help but question the results of our actions today. History shows us that intent has nothing to do with the future. The future happens despite (not because) of our intentions. I may very well and sincerely want to stay in touch with all my friends, because they represent all that was good in my younger (makes me feel old, using this word) years.

Are our promises really set in stone? And for that matter, what assurance do we have that the feelings of brotherhood and warmth we have towards our friends today will survive all the years being apart?

the winds of change are picking up speed...

Just breaking news before I succumb to sleep. I'm currently chatting with a close friend of mine, Keeks, via YM. She just dropped a huge bomb on me right now. She'll be taking up NURSING this April.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against nurses, but we're talking about a girl who finished the same course I did. Imagine, from being an engineer trained in programming, electronics, robotics...to being a nurse!? What am I to say? Well, I wished her the best of luck because she deserves nothing less. I imagine that I'll have renewed respect for all nurses once I see Keeks donning their uniform.

You are definitely blazing your own path. From what I've heard, you are pretty sure of this. All the best to you in your endeavors Keeks! You certainly deserve success in all your dealings in life.

truth...

Now that I've covered Mich's request, I can get down to business.

Have any of you played "20 Questions" or perhaps the better known "Truth or Consequence/Dare" and even the infamous "Spin the Bottle"? What makes these games such hits in parties and sleepovers? Or in my case, what makes it such a good distraction, a perfect way to pass idle time?

I remember interning for Intel and incorporating 20 Questions into my boring MoRV routine. Mich (wow! two posts, back to back! you must fee really special right now huh? :p) and I would go into the production line and validate machines which is super boring. There's this one tool in the Burn-In process that takes extra time to validate. The ovens! Mich would usually help me out and we'd have a good round of 20 questions. Even when we're bringing in JAFS (peoplespeak: Jigs and Fixtures = tables, chairs, etc.) I'd make it a point to throw in a couple of questions here and there.

Fact is, TRUTH IS quickly becoming A SCARCE COMMODITY. In our age and time, we have mastered every aspect of covering or even sometimes altering the truth which is actually unnerving. It's so easy adding a well placed word or two in our online profiles. Some people have even resorted to editing their photos to get desired results. Hacking and Identity Theft are so common nowadays that some countries have created agencies to deal with Internet/Technological Crimes.

Although I would be the first to admit that I have skeletons in the closet, (pun intended) I can't believe that I try soooo hard to cover up or change even the simple stuff. We change our preferences to suit our environment. We go to upitty places when we're with our well off friends while we just go to McDonald's with others. I know people who hate coffee who drink lattes like caffeine addicts suffering a relapse in Starbucks.

In a world where "being yourself" could lead to your demise, just how much are we willing to cover up or even change? And is it possible to go in so deep under cover that we actually begin to forget who we really are?

one blatant shoutout and a tech update as well...

I was into my favorite hobby the entire day. To make sure my working friends don't get a decent chance to do their duties!!! The wonders of instant messaging allow me to annoy my closest friends. One of which is my college best friend Mich!

Working in a tech firm, she doesn't have that much access to the worldwide web. Although you can always find her lurking inside YM! Suffice to say, she doesn't read my blog (me=hurt!) and apparently she had a good excuse. She couldn't open the blogger and multiply websites! Yikes!

So, being the self-confessed web addict that I was, I decided to find a way to let her see my blog (vested interest? nah, just being helpful) at any cost! (Insert tech update here) So I shared one of my latest discoveries. Although Google Reader isn't exactly THAT new (webspeak: out of Beta) and probably was introduced shortly after RSS became widespread, I just began using it these past few weeks. So I told Mich to go into the Google Reader site (to which she didn't know that her GMail account would work...) and just subscribe to my blog's RSS feed.

I got her set up quickly and dare I say without too much difficulty. She began her assault on my blog, even taking time to digest the older entries. This is when she actually informed me of a little known fact...SHE WASN'T MENTIONED "PERSONALLY" IN ANY OF MY POSTS!!! Which, she surprisingly found insulting. Hahahahahaha.

So here I am, hitting (the proverbial) two birds with one stone!

shifting gears...

This is the first time in quite a while that I'll be writing something in the morning. Well, decent morning hours at least. Not the usual 1-3 AM when dawn comes a little later still.

Nothings is that different in the morning actually. I'm just a lot sleepier, it's warmer (that's putting it nicely, it's actually scorching hot) and it's the time of day I see my dad's face a lot. So yeah, I concede, I enjoy late nights a lot more. SO SUE ME!

I absolutely abhor mornings. Everyone is sooo busy, moving about like little ants or bees, contributing to society. People are best when they're quiet, asleep or dead. That way I actually get to keep my sanity. Morning for me is like being stuck in one of those shared dreams by the Brady Bunch. Simply put: the sunlight hurts my eyes, the heat burns, my throat is always parched, my skin is clammy, and I tend to see "active" people more often. Also, to answer your question: NO, I am not a loner and I am neither sociopathic nor vampiric.

true colors...

My family lives with a perky, upbeat person who is, unfortunately, high maintenance at times. My friends (y'know, people you hang out with) see me as the all-smiles type of person who doesn't know a whole lot about being street smart. My coworkers interact with a friendly Jowee everyday. Someone who's game for anything, whose zeal for camaraderie greatly outweighs even company policies. This, in general, is the Jowee that they see:



However, it was brought to my attention just a few hours ago how dual I can get. Edissa (my brother's wife, remember?) and I had this unexpected (to say the least) chat (via YM) earlier. It seems, that in my desire to have people read my blog again, I inadvertently opened my blog to my family - a big "NO-NO" for me ever since I started this. Well, it's not my paranoia that I'm getting at right now. I was actually surprised by how close she got to the truth. I wasn't alarmed (yeah right!) or anything. It just got me thinking how much of an airhead I must appear to be in public.

Although this idea brings a smile to my face, (after all, who doesn't enjoy playing the part of a common place jester?) it doesn't sit well with me that I am probably conveying an almost Schizophrenic-like exterior. In a world where privacy is becoming a rare commodity, would you be willing to sacrifice your public facade? It seems that I have stumbled upon another one of life's stupid enigmas.

"Which is the real me?", I now ask...does anyone really know? Even I don't...

voices...

No...I'm not hearing voices. I'm not THAT weird!

It's just amazing how many ideas, notions, thoughts and decisions pass through our heads with each second. We always say our minds are accustomed to change and we are very adaptable because of this. My theory is, people are just simply fickle minded.

Yeah. It's no mystery. We're just looking for fancy words and noble reasons to justify our actions. For example, you need to buy an item (assuming of course, that you're not a compulsive buyer) we tend to look around first. We make sure we get the "best value" for our money. The same goes with everything else.

We have this idea that we only deserve the best and we shouldn't settle for anything less. Another testament to human pride. We envelope our selves in this perfect and wonderful illusion. We dream so much that we forget where reality ends and our dreamscape begins.

Another reason for our never ending delusion is hope. Hope is nothing but an idea we cling to when it becomes clear that nothing will go right. When we succeed, we thank ourselves for being hopeful. Lets set a scenario that proves there is no such thing as hope.

During the 9/11 attacks in New York, 2602 people died (bodies found) adn only a handful survived. Adam Mayblum was on of the lucky survivors and he is heavy into the idea that the heroism of the people involved is amazing. We could just imagine how he must've felt during the incident. We must also accept the fact that it is easy to sound heroic once the details are coming out of your mouth. He must've hoped at some given time that he wouldn't die right then and there. He might have even prayed to his god. He must be thankful right now...cherishing his life more.

Well, how about the other 2602 people, and not mentioning the 4 people that are still "missing"? I would expect that they too prayed and hoped that they would survive. So does this mean that hope is as fickle as we are? It's much easier to summize that there is no such thing as hope. It is not a tangible idea, a mere figment of our imaginations.

Wake up. Smell reality wafting through the air.

"Unfortunately, no one can be shown what the matrix is..." - Morpheus (The Matrix, duh?!)

leafing through the written pages of my life...

I had a bad case of the "reminiscing" virus today. I went on a binge trip through old photo albums, digital pictures, and of course, I re-acquainted myself with all my friends in Friendster. It was hopeless. Before I knew it, I was checking in on friends that I haven't met in years. Getting an idea of where they are in life. Think of it as a maturity lowjack for all friends and past acquaintances.



Looking at the diagram above (reminds me of our thesis presentation) you get a feel of how we could possibly classify people we meet. We can say that he/she is a hot lay, a person who touches the innermost part of your brain, someone who baffles you to no end, or just someone you're trying your best to forget.

Well, just leaving you with something to ponder on. Go on, reminisce with me and try to arrange people into neat, classified piles. You know you want to...it would make our lives sooo much easier. To look at it from a far away perspective, distancing yourself from memories that just seem to hurt everytime.

three days, different emotions...

I went to the Mall of Asia consistently for the past three days (time check: 9:49 PM. Yes! Today, is still "today") and I have been experiencing weird emotions. Fluctuating and sometimes outright unwanted, I just had the time to think about it now. Don't get me wrong, February 15, 16 and 17 (side note: have you guys noticed that the letters B and V, which sounds similar, are set beside one another in the keyboard? I just typed February with a V and had a laugh, hehehe. "Fevruary" sooo gay!) - back to the story - so, those three days are not downright special. I guess the fact that I spent most of the three days in one place makes it easier to paint a picture.

February 15:

This feels like an episode of 24...only a day per episode! Harharhar! The day started out normal enough. Woke up kinda early, I had to go with mom to Cash and Carry to meet tita Ava. Well, on a side note, I hope tita Ava gets well really soon! We ate at Luk Yuen (yummy!) and went around looking at different grocery stuff we needed at home. So, tita Ava arrived after enduring traffic in the express way (not exactly breaking news, right?) and we handed her the gown she commissioned mommy to make. Also, I forgot to mention, we brought Botchog (my favorite kid cousin) along. We just made a stop at the drugstore so mom could buy cold relief medicine. I also made a stop at the local DVD store buying Justice League CDs - supercool! - pun intended.

We went home and my sister, Kate arrived from work. She immediately asked me to come with her to MOA to look at prescription glasses. This of course, pumped me up, because she earlier promised that I get to keep her old Oakley frame when she gets a new pair. So off we went to MOA to look at frames. I gave her my opinions about different stuff she tried on. I was actually surprised that she ended up purcahsing a pair during that same trip. So first emotion - ENVY. I hated myself then and there. Envy? Fucking envy? It goes without saying that your siblings are the last people you should be envious about, because it's a lot easier being genuinely happy for someone in the family, right?

Also, we found out that she’ll be getting a second pair of glasses, ABSOLUTELY FREE – MORE ENVY. Why she hadn’t had the second pair made out for me was beyond reason!!! So we went out of the store and we still needed to make a stop at Toy Kingdom to get her godchild a birthday gift.

I just need to explain, I have this habit of becoming awfully silent or cool (not “rockin’” cool, but more of a “cold” cool) when I’m either mad or sad but I do this in such a way that you don’t notice. So I ended up giving my sister the cold shoulder for the remainder of the day. She didn’t even figure this out, which further infuriated me. I know, I don’t want people to know when I’m mad but I get madder when they don’t – I’m just abnormal I guess, or psycho for that matter.

February 16:

It’s my sister payday. Hurray for her. She asked me I if I could go with her to Jenny’s (her bestfriend) house to drop off Jaz’s (Jenny’s daughter, her godchild) birthday present. But before we could drive over there, we needed to stop by MOA to get donuts or something like that for Jenny.

So I got dressed and we went to MOA but we ended up getting Cheese Rolls instead. And to make sure we were not horrible (a.k.a. Hungry) guests, my sister had to feed me, which made me feel pathetic because who, in their right mind, would ask their penniless, good for nothing brother to pay for his own meal, right? – SELF LOATHING. We also needed to pay for our monthly mobile phone service, which, in actuality, represented the last of my savings. I felt so fucking helpless right then.

I also decided to look around for a pink PSP because Ana told me to look for one. So I did, successfully, find one that was just the right price. I was trying to call Ana just to make sure she wanted it. I couldn’t even give the lady behind the counter a definite answer since I couldn’t ask her to hold the item for me because I had no way of securing an advance payment on the item. I was such a loser then trying to give flimsy excuses why she should hold the item for me without having me front money for it.

So we get to Jenny’s place and we meet a very unenthusiastic (a.k.a. crying, no, more like bawling) Jaz to drop off the gift. My sister was happy with her salary, more cheers for her (I’m being sarcastic right now…). We needed to drop by a dental supply shop before finally heading home. It goes without saying that I was the one to get off the car to go buy stuff. This is due, in large part, to my lack of a driver’s license. Imagine, a 22 year old male without a license – MORE SELF LOATHING.

Today:

I was actually the one to remind my sister that her glasses should be fine for pick up today. DUMB FUCK! So we were on our way again to MOA to pick them up. They were perfect of course, and fit perfectly on her perfect face, and matched her perfect eyes…SHIT! She asked me if I wanted to have a look around before we went home. I said yes. EVEN DUMBER FUCK!!!

I went to different optical shops to look for styles that I liked. I made my rounds looking at frames that I didn’t dare touch (if I broke one, I wouldn’t be able to pay for it) while navigating my way around incessant sales people. Let me get this straight, I firmly believe that if you’re positive that you wouldn’t be buying anything, you shouldn’t bother the sales people because if you don’t purchase anything, you are, technically, not paying for their services. - EMBARRASSMENT

So I didn’t want to bother the hard working people but there was this one guy who didn’t know how to relent. I was almost – mind you, ALMOST – at the point of shouting at him to tell him that I didn’t have dough to buy anything and that his time was better spent with customers who actually had money – EVEN MORE EMBARRASSMENT. Even if I didn’t actually say that out loud, just thinking about it made we want to puke. So I just told my sister that we should quit it and just go home.

I probably should just look forward to the fact that I’ll be most probably hired before the month ends. But since nothing is set in stone yet, I wouldn’t want to count on that just yet. What was that about eggs, chickens, and counting… I just want to evaporate right now. I see the looks my family’s giving me. That USELESS, GOOD FOR NOTHING, FAT, UGLY, PENNILESS, SPINELESS EXCUSE FOR A MAN…they’re probably saying. I should probably go back to slashing my wrists, at least that made me feel good.

tech report

Hey guys! Are you aware that Google is letting people download Symantec's Norton Antivirus 2005 LE?! It's legit and if you're connected to the internet while you're installing the damn thing, you can even register your product. It includes six months worth of free updates! After which you can renew for a one year extension.

Need more info? Just search "Google Pack" or if you're like me and you have a GMail account (who doesn't have one nowadays?) you can just browse through your account options.

It's amazing how many Google products I'm using at the moment! Try looking into Google Reader, (RSS feeds in one page, no need to flip through multiple tabs or worse mutiple WINDOWS) Picasa2 and lots more cool stuff. This might not be news for most of you but hey, it was just too good not to share.

losing innocence (not to mention sanity) in the internet...

Need I say more???

...didn't think so

and FYI: Men DO shave. We shave our facial hair, burns...some even shave their heads, chest hair, treasure trails and I am avoiding pointing out things lower than the belt line okaaaaay?!

it suddenly hits you, like falling bricks...

Remember when KLite signed-off last year? I was sad but I always thought I'll have to stick with NU 107, 99.5 RT, or even the occasional trip to RX 93.1. It dawned on me this afternoon just how much I needed KLite to be there.

Everytime NU would go into commercials, I usually just flipped back one channel in the car radio's preset...but what happened earlier was, I dropped in on a very...VERY SAPPY SONG. It wasn't even funny. I literally got goosebumps!!! If I wasn't hungry, I would've definitely puked. The shit "Heart-FM" was blaring through the air was audio poison!

No, video didn't kill the radio star...moronic management did...

living the digital lifestyle

Finally! After a long time of inactivity, I have revived my Multiply page...and revived it I did. It has the chronicle of lost time between my resignation and my search for a new job. A brief explanation here is actually worth thousands of photos. Although I wouldn't upload them all (that's just plain stupid) the most important ones are there.

Feel free to drop in at any time. The link's right there

as the day comes to a close...

Singles' Awareness Day (popularly know as SAD) is almost coming to and end. Tomorrow will find a lot of singles happy, refreshed, glad THAT is finally over and a lot of couples with surprisingly lowered expectations.

In this day when humanity finds itself consuming vast amounts of flowers (making the bees, wasps, and oh - the butterflies as well - very very angry) for no apparent reason than to fool members of the opposite sex, third sex, or even the sexually deluded minority into thinking one is worthy of a good shag, a hot lay, effing sex...there are a lot of terms y'know?! So we all should pause for a while and think things over. From a very clandestine and abhorrent affair back when the Romans ruled the "civilized" world to a commercialized business (running in the millions of dollars) nowadays, what do we get out of Valentine's?

The materialistic would say "chocolates and flowers", the romantics would say "a chance at finding love" or perhaps we should go with the realists (or down to earth honest people...if I could say so myself) admitting "I'm just in it for the sex, or torrid kissing (the type with tongues involved) at the least". From these definitions, it appears that the question has transformed itself into one of base morality. No need to get into that, right chaps?

It doesn't matter now. Last I checked there's only an hour and thirty minutes left before SAD finally ends. Now we find ourselves with a full year to think about it once more. A year, I hope, that would lead to better conclusions and better reasoning as well. As for me, just like I did today, I will not celebrate Valentine's day, I'm not doing so because of personal, deep-seated reasons.

It IS for the environment after all that I make this (ehem ehem) ultimate sacrifice.

I leave you with this:

Had some sense knocked into you now? Well...

This...

is not a heart darling...

Now this...

is what a heart really looks like.


Not at all romantic, is it?

on sacrifices...

Testing day has come and gone and I'm no better for it. I'm just plain tired.

It had a nice trip going to the plant but that's because I shelled out money for a 1 hour cab ride!!! Damn...still, money well spent.

Had I known it would be an all day affair, I would've sent the cab driver away the instant I got off. But no, here I was thinking it's just a test, half-day...MAX!!! HELL NO!!! Six friggin tests, the first one dictates whether you could continue on to the next five...then...there's a friggin "THEN" here, HR and Technical interviews in the afternoon!

If only I knew before hand, I would've worn shorts and flip-flops...

Going home was the worst part...three jeepney rides from Laguna. Damn it!!!!

the rabbit's out of the hat!!!

Finally!!! After waiting for soooo long for a job (that I actually like) to come my way, my supertrump application went through! Powered by my mad MSWord editing skills (hehehehe) combined with my brother's smooth emailing skills plus sir Deng's (his former boss) heavy hitting submission powers (hahahaha), I finally got a call from Amkor-Anam!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I'll still have to undergo testing but my brother told me, it's just to make sure I'm not crazy or a possible terrorist. Bet I'll pass that. Hope I really do get in.

If not, I still have fallbacks. Management jobs in different companies. Just like the opportunities I missed when I left my previous job.

okaaaaay...

I know, I know...

It HAS been a while since I last posted anything. Well I did go into self imposed hibernation after I resigned from my previous job.

The holidays were great! Tons of fun to be had everywhere we went to and at any time of the day. I went to Baguio with my aunt and her family from Perth.


Then after my brother's wedding (yes, apparently, it was his final answer, it was "deal") we went to the beautiful island of Bohol.


Trust me, you should go.


BUT! And this is one MASSIVE BUT...
I need to find myself a new job now. I could go to Singapore or Australia but I don't want to go there if I'm not sure if I could get a job pronto! Sure my relatives would be more than happy to put me up for a few months but I don't feel okay with that. Y'know?

It seems like I'll have to settle for getting one to two years worth of experience here in the Philippines before I head out to Singapore. It's all good, that way I don't have to iron my own clothes just yet.

on life-altering decisions...

My resignation date is fast approaching and I've been getting lots of invitations for interviews and even job offers via my email. Resigning is starting to look like the best decision at this point.

My managers have tried to retain me by informing of what I will and could possibly miss when I leave. There's the tax rebate that should be given during the first pay-out in January (although I'm still wishing that it'll come in by the 22nd).

There's Dell...final interview and Job Offer (hopefully) on January. Pros: relatively high salary, the office is a stone's throw away & Cons: it's another friggin contact center!

There's Standard Chartered...online assesment still pending (gotta have a blazin internet connection for that one). Pros: Singapore based, aligned w/ my course & Cons: I'm doubtful I'll get the position.

There's Hewlett-Packard (hope I spelled that right)...interview tomorrow. Pros: well known company, office is in oh-so-cool Makati & Cons: I don't know what the job is, and being in Makati, I'll end up spending my salary even before I get it.

Hmmm...I miss the days when choices I had to do were between McDonald's or Jollibee...

on the winds of change...

I am typing this with boom-boom, disco music blaring through my Sennheisser headphones, slightly altering my state of reality. Wish I had acid to wash it all down with...to recreate that genuine rave atmosphere that has become scarce as of late.

I have been burning money faster than Bush's war machine this past few days. A movie here, coffee there, extravagant gifts in one hand, and piling orders of expensive perfumes to pay for. I'm only beginning to experience how good it feels to be earning a salary.

Happy Feet and Casino Royale this past two weeks. Dinner with my ate and her friends, lunch with mom and dad. It comes without saying that my finances have seen better, more stable days. But I'm taking it all in stride. Things are going my way. The storm missed Manila, I got to buy Jana cool gifts, I'm having a blast.

And I've also come to terms with the reality that I won't be getting the bonus for quality after all. It's just compliance and attendance for me. But who gives a flying fart in space. I just hope birds start to sporadically shit on my QA's head. Coach's been acting up lately as well...the expected after-effects of her "official" management training...MY ASS!!! She didn't even take a single management course in college! She's digging into this let's bond and drink poisoned kool-aide together. It's giving me the hibbie-gibbies. Plus, she's planning to spend one of our rest days talking about our quality. I AM SOOOOO NOT SHOWING UP FOR THAT.

I'm starting to see the brighter side of having to work just TEN MORE DAYS!!! Then it's adios ms. "cheers" and "moving forward"...hahahahahaha!!!!

on reciprocity...

"Reciprocity"...to reciprocate...to give in turn...to give in equal...

...a word that has been plaguing the headlines recently. The new Pope asking for equal rights on Muslim soil as with the rights extended to their bretheren in western nations.

Reciprocity is not merely Christian propaganda but a mere impossibility. When base human nature is dictated by greed or by our own selfish emotions, do we honestly have room for equality?

I have this friend Kel - from work. Well, he has...or as of this morning, had...this auntie who suffered from bone cancer. Among the family, he was the only person who wouldn't accept the hopelessness of the situation. The gravity of the mere possibility of death never had a pull on him. He was a fighter, just like his aunt was a fighter. I just heard a few hours ago that his aunt finally passed. According to reciprocity, or just basic equality, he should be given his dues. Then why must he suffer the greatest? Why do the bonds that connected him to his aunt, the same bonds that he held on to so tightly now cause him this pain?

I recently had a fight with one of my workmates, Ting. I called her a scatterbrain in front of the whole team. She cried, lots of drama that was...but we worked it out. Now, we have this fucking queer teammate who just happens to disagree with my brusque approach two days ago, when I berrated Ting. As usual, the fucking cunt rolled his eyes and told me about his grievances...HIS GRIEVANCES mind you!? Now what's wrong with this picture? Ting and I had a disagreement, now why the fuck does this bitch react so...so...
...it's like we two are having the fight instead. Come on you idiot!!! And I'm not one for drama myself. I wanted to break this spineless freak's neck the whole fucking day! Showing me attitude like that when Ting and I made up already and were even eating together. This freaking Bedan who studied in Australia (as proven by his awfully mispronounced English) who actually thinks he's something note-worthy. Pathetic existence. He just happens to be a really funny Nora Aunor cum President Arroyo impersonator that never fails to make people laugh. What a joke! The earth should just open up and swallow him up.

Reciprocity...just another useless word in the dictionary...

on expectations and excitement

The holidays are fast approaching and I'm working my ass of for some decent money to make my pseudo-"off-work"-sabbatical enjoyable at the least.

I'm already getting tons of email from family living abroad about their flight plans and whatnot. I'm excited most of all about my brother's return. I'm looking forward to the wedding due, in large part, to the would-be presence of mouth-watering food. The possibility of him bringing me his graduation cum birthday cum christmas is also note worthy. I'm just waiting for my baby to reach my lap and eager, greasy hands.



On to the present...

I was seriously annoyed last night when I found out that my secret santa at work was the oh-so irresponsible, can't-count-on-him, Wilson!!!


Which pretty much meant I had no gift earlier. Needless to say I'm looking forward to four more "giftless" Saturdays...WHICH, by the way, won't stop me from buying cool gifts for Jana (my baby).

I'm also looking for someone who'd be willing to go with me to the corporate xmas party. BESIDES my sister...

O well, just three more weeks before I jet.

on farewells and Ta-Ta's...

I've finally decided to resign from my current job on December 22. That'll be it, no more working 'til all family festivities are over.

At least I get to spend Christmas with everyone. That's a big deal in our house. More so now that the whole family will be here for my brother's wedding...

If you look close enough, you'll actually see tons of ants swarming their sweetness.

But I have to say, I'll miss them:

on bitter endings and sweet beginnings...

I've pretty much considered this blog dead. After the pressures of college life ended I almost went full on against my job. I had no time to rest and no time to spare looking for hotspots or to even lug my laptop around with me.

Graduation was fine. I got goosebumps when we were made to transfer the tassle from one side to the other. But that's it... No glowing feeling, no special ingkling inside to throw my graduation cap to high heavens (except maybe to drop on the bimbo's head - aka "she who hath no idea what she was yapping about during her graduation speech").

I expected too much from the affair. Maybe I wanted to cry, y'know? To signal that I am no longer a happy-go-lucky college student who had the world at his fingertips...to welcome the fact that I am now a fledgling engineer struggling to prove himself. But I guess the fact that I have been working for the last two trimesters of my scholastic life sapped the "naivite" out of it all.

I'm not that stupid graduate clutching his portfolio close to his chest wondering if he can get a job that pays him more than his monthly allowance. I now knew how shitty life was. How a diploma from my oh-so-distinguished alma mater can only help you stick your foot in the door. The cold hard fact was that I knew how much it sucked to work. I knew that government taxes are like highway robbery against what you earn. I know how managers get to go on two-hour lunches while I had ask permission just to pee.

I have long since been disenchanted by the "real world". I already know that youth is like alcohol, it tastes bad in the beginning (childhood), then you get the buzz (teenage years), then you get drunk and forget your inhibitions (college), and then YOU FUCKING WAKE UP WITH THE WORST GODDAMN HANG-OVER. Reality sucks...deal with it.

I wonder if we'd still look like this ten years from now.

far worse than spending the night in a haunted house...

We've decided to spice up our thesis making. So besides all the harassing trips to Quiapo, exploding circuits, and wild bickering amongst ourselves, we decided to bring our relationship as thesis mates to the next level. WE DECIDED TO STAY IN SCHOOL...OVERNIGHT!!!

Needles to say, I'm a little bit nervous at the prospect of having no way out. I usually go home when I'm far too pissed to function but tonight will be helluva big deal for me.

NO OUTS

NO BREAKS

NO RUNNING FROM THE MOB

simply put...
NO ESCAPE!!!

I hope I get to keep my marbles later. But I honestly think it's gonna be fun. Besides, I enjoy watching wrestling and octagon fights anyways...

fireworks and shooting stars

Quick update!!!

We just popped one IC Chip in our circuit. It literally went BOOM! SPARK! then POP! Amazing...the smell of freshly burnt circuitry is still in the air. Hmmm...Monday looks super near right about now...MICROSCOPIC even.

adventures in the "High Halls of Learning"...

aka...De La Salle University. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I'm currently stuck in school with my jittery thesismates. But we're all happy campers. We're working on our uber high tech thesis. "The Teleoperation of a Four-Wheeled Robot" which in human terms is: an uber-expensive, migraine-inducing, engineer's version of a remote controlled toy. Hehehehehe. We engineers just looooove to complicate our lives.



But we're still in there, grinding our bones to powder trying to make sure everything is working perfectly by Monday. Cheerio dudes!

We had a little adventure yesterday as well. After my little morning chit-chat over breakfast (which saved me from actual hunger later in the day) with Gen and Candice, I decided to go directly to school instead of my planned one hour stop over at home.

Getting to school, we decided to go buy all the stuff we needed. Target area: RAON!!! So we went to Quiapo (and I wasn't even able to buy friggin DVDs...) to start our simple adventure. Needless to say, there was tons of walking to be done.

So I went home after a TWENTY-EIGHT HOUR DAY!!! Good thing mom made amazing Tuna Belly for dinner. I just flopped like a dead person after that.

back in the olden days...

Hmmm...I kinda forgot how easier it was to type on a full-sized keyboard. My laptop is still currently out of commission, hence the use of my desktop computer. I'm still not sure when I'll be mobile again but I'm trying to survive without it.

The smell of grass is in the air again...WIMBLEDON IS HERE!!! Damn! I hope Roddick makes a comeback in this tourney...if Martina can do it, so can he right??? I don't expect him to win, just as long as Federer and Roddick face off in the final, I'm a happy fan already.

Enough updates about the outside world, let's get to my news...I'm currently dying due to the combined effects of panic, stress and lack of sleep. In other words -> thesis, schoolwork and my job! I'm finding it hard to do anything productive in the morning since all I want to do is sleep...

I have been reduced to the basic specimen of a working student. Although much kudos to my workmates...they make life just a tad bit more bearable. I don't know what I would do without those guys. And you would think I'd rather be in school right? NO FRIGGIN WAY!!! I'm happiest when I'm in the office. School is boring and our thesis is just making an outright mess of my life. I knew this thesis thing would strain my friendship with my teamates but I never, in my wildest dreams, expected this! It's like where before I can't live without them, now, I can't wait to get rid of them. It's just that I hate working with friends because you're forced to see and experience a side of them you wouldn't normally get to see, hear and feel. I just hope our friendship survive this ordeal.

I'm actually amazed that I was even to make a post right now. I never thought I'd have time for this during this term. I'm so excited to graduate and work. I don't want to be tied down by trivial matters like grade, attendance and extra credit. I just want to get real results from my hardwork.

O well...just holler at me from the "REAL" world...

like leading sheep to the slaughter...

My life really sucks right now. I mean it may not "suck" but I don't think anyone would be willing to exchange lives with me right now.

My schedule is a bitch. I work from 9pm-6am then I have thesis meetings in school everyday of the week and that's from 8am-11pm. Sooooo do the math. That leaves how much time for sleep and quality time? Technically...10 hours but helloooooo...let's deduct time I spend on the road, that'll be around 2 and a half hours, that leaves me with 7 and a half hours, let's get rid of another hour for eating and bath time...the grand total is:

fucking 6 and a half hours of MUCH NEEDED sleep!!!!!!

Get it? I'm literally killing myself right now...

I need HELP! SERIOUSLY!!!

ahhh...the wonder of cartoon watching

I've just realized that within the one week I took off from work...I'VE SUNK TO AN ALL TIME LOW!!!

I don't mean my boring schoolwork either. I kinda figured out I was starting to veg-out when I found myself being addicted to the Acceleracers movies in Cartoon Network. My goodness!!! FRIGGIN CARTOONS!!! Also I've been hooked on this series called Gokusen!!! I mean c'mon!!! I don't watch local channels but I'm beginning to get entangled in the dreary world of stupid TV shows!!! Even The Love of the Condor Heroes (in all fairness, the Novel was great!!!) yikes!!! I'm mutating into something horrible. I've been reduced to a telenovela watching freak!!!

I cannot wait to get back to work to drown myself in that instead of mindless TV watching.

20 days of silence

OHHHH MY GAAAAAAWD!!! I missed my laptop!!!

Just got it back yesterday. We've been apart for more than two weeks!!! It was like losing a hand for quite a while. I couldn't operate without it!!!

Also, I realized how wrong I was not to use my desktop PC while my laptop went on hiatus. I MISSED A LOT!!! I just found out that my brother wrote me a testimonial on Friendster 9 days ago. It was soooo cool of him to do that.

My life is in shambles right now and would probably get worse in the coming weeks. I started school this week and I've been trying to balance everything. But next week, I'll start work again and I'll have practically ZERO DOWNTIME!!! But it's cool, I need the extra cash anyways. But I kinda realized how easier it would be if I stopped work because I took the week off from work.

I just hope I survive the next three months and then I'M OUTTA HERE!!! SINGAPORE, HERE I COME!!!

hurting everytime...

It started so innocently.
I met you and you smiled,
that smile that pierces all defenses.
I was just simply beguiled.

It was like a game, a dance.
Testing strange but tepid waters.
Walking, one cautious step at a time.
Treading not rapids but calm rivers.

Then there was change,
not really unwanted,
but alarming all the same.
The moment is becoming heated.

Then there was that first touch.
A single moment of contact,
your hand upon mine.
I just wasn't sure how to act.

Now we act as if it's perfect,
as if we've know eack other so long.
You own my heart,
there's is no question to whom it belongs.

But one fateful day,
I met him,
the one you said you loved.
It hurt so bad, I wanted to scream!

You two looked so perfect,
so happy, so content.
What have I to tempt you away?
I had to let you go, to simply relent.

Now I am but lost,
my shattered core dissipating into nothingness.
I now hold on to whatever inch of you I can grasp,
longing everytime and hurting nonetheless.

simple material joys in life

Hmmmm...my brother finally got here last Saturday. I was really out of it when he (together with mommy, daddy, and my older sister - all fetched him at the airport) walked through the door. I was really dazed considering the lack of sleep (Hey! I just got off work at 7AM that morning!!!) and wasn't that responsive at all.

He then put his hicking back pack down and got all the different goodies out. First came all of the cowbells that were to act as gifts to the different "ninongs" and "ninangs" for his upcoming wedding. On to the good stuff...He got my mom this uber-expensive digital camera that we (still) have no idea how to use, and then he brought out MY SPANKING NEW "CERAMIC WHITE" PSP!!! Needless to say I was up and sober in no time. I immediately tinkered with it...and still am right now. My new buddy (PSP) and I have been inseperable eversince.

I also got to shop my ass off today. My sister decided to get me two new pair of leather shoes. After all...we're supposed to wear smart-casual outfits to work. I also got this really cool transparent Logitech casing for my PSP with uber-cool orange rubber matting inside! Coolness!!! My brother also got me a kick-ass UMD game to go with the console. He got me Daxter (because I told him that was the game with the longest play-time) and promised to get me new title come October (he'll be back to finalize stuff for the wedding). I'm also gonna buy a 1Gb Memory Stick Card Duo this coming Tuesday after getting off my Monday night to Tuesday morning shift.

I'm almost set! I just need a nice screen protector to put on the huge screen. I'm also thinking about getting these really humongous Sennheisser noise cancelling headsets. I'm a little hesitant though...thanks in large part to their 3000+++ peso pricetags!!!!!!

But all is good in Joweeland. Also, I got through Product Specific Training at work and I'm already cleared for the Mentoring stage. I just can't wait to get the 1000 peso raise when you get through all trainings...that'll be a whopping 16000 big bucks when I get there!!! ANG FUCKING TAX FREE!!!

God I love my gift-recieving, tech-driven, tax-free existence!!!

my week...in review

A lot can happen in a week...FOR REAL!!!

I got my course cards last Monday and guess what??? I PASSED ALL MY SUBJECTS!!! I was almost a Deans Lister! Got a 3.2 GPA but had a 1.5 in Statistics soooo that pretty much blew my chances...

Started my new job last Wednesday and went on Diction, Intonation, and Enunciation Training (DIET, how ironic...) and I certified today!!! Wow! It's on to Product Specific Training (PST)!!!

Congratulations PayPal batch 15c!!!!!!!! Got lots of new friends and more importantly, I learned how to spell phonetically /fhu-ne-tee-kuh-lee/ bwahahahahahahahaha!!! Thanks to JP (our amazing trainer).

I just hope I can jumble my last remaining academic units with my new job. I'll be back in school probably the third week of May...PLUS, I plan to finish that damn THESIS once and for all!!!

"normal" is the catchword...

Besides the sweltering heat (which is, unfortunately, quite normal) nothing is playing out in the normal boring way this summer...

I actually signed up for a summer job! This money-earning (hopefully) stunt of mine comes in the form of my sister's job. I won't be wasting time this summer playing in any sizzling beaches...

Course Card day is just around the corner and freakishly enough, I'm not worried!?!?! Usually, two weeks before this fatefull day, I can't eat, sleep, talk, or display any "normal" human behavior. For the first time in my college life (not counting my OJT grades of course!) I feel kinda good about my grades. I just hope my Statistics subject doesn't disappoint me...

I'm also in a slump nowadays...picture this: if I were stuck in a movie right now, it would be in black and white AND Death Cab for Cutie's "Sound of Settling" would be looping endlessly in the background...

Things have changed a lot...when I was still a kid, our Holy Week was spent indoors and we only went out for the "Visita Iglesia". Yesterday (Good Friday...the day when my grandparents were at their strictest!!!) I went out and saw kids running around, old women playing bingo in the streets and I was just like: "Whoa! This is like sooooo not 'normal'!"

I just hope things pick up soon, I'm sooooo anticipating change!!!

sacrifices and rewards

I just concluded that I learned how to be a college student too late. It's only this term that I decided to balance my self, appropriate my time well, and prioritize things correctly.

I could've done a hell'a lot more if only I flew through college like this.

But things seem to float way from me now. Change is inevitable and often times, we do everything to escape its passing.

I even decided to get myself a summer job. Y'know? Just to get a good feel of things before it's really too late. I want to know what it'll be like having a job. The time when I'll be ultimately thrust into adulthood and the days of simpe living will be gone.

Yes! I said simple living...I AM aware that college life is piece of cake compared to life in the real world. You might ask: "then why complain all the time?". The answer is simple...BECAUSE I CAN. Somehow, ranting makes things a lot easier to take in all at once. It's nice to know that someone will always be there to hear you out.

The time to grow up is drawing near. I finally have to earn my keep and prove the righteousnes of my existence in this world. It's time to leave an indelible mark that those younger than me will look up to someday. All I wish for...is that I be worthy of this harrowing responsibility.

I have come to terms with the fact that others will look up to me for guidance now. No longer can I rant simply because I can...now, I will complain because that IS ALL I CAN DO.

Possibilities are always nice...not knowing, ever questioning, and making the fates laugh when we try to decipher our futures. It's almost time to delve into the great big unknown. Hopefully someday, I get to rise from this sea of doubt a changed man...a better person...an entity who has purchased his right to exist from the jaws of uselessness.

been to hell and back

It's Tuesday. I've been through two of the biggest, nastiest tests ever made known to man.

And guess what:

I'm still alive!!!!

Hahaha!!! Score: 2-Joey, Nasty Teachers-ZERO!!!

But it's still not over. I still have to moderate a panel discussion tomorrow and I let's not forget about the two other requirements I have to submit.

But all in all, everything is peachy in Joweeland!!!

a glimpse of things to come

I'm just updating now because I might be delirious even before the week ends.

I have a statistics test on Monday (6-9 PM)...

I have a differential equations test on Tuesday...

I have to prepare for a panel discussion (which I will be moderating) on Wednesday...

I have to squeeze in some hands on time for my CATIA project on Thursday...

Finally, I have to submit a paper for Religion (about the movie: Devil's Advocate) on Friday...

So...it's already the second to the last week before the term ends and the end is still not in sight. I can't see my finish line...HELP ME!!! SHOOT ME!!!

the search for the silver lining

Just when you thought things couldn't get worse. Just when you hoped that there's no where else to go but up (from the slump you're stuck in...). AND, atfter reading your horoscope and discovering you're in for good things...

KABOOM!!! The preverbial rug is pulled from underneath your flat feet and you end up belly-up in this world where upright is the only way to be.

IN SHORT...I hate fucking Mondays!!!

I had to put up with lots of drama today. First I got up late...I ended up missing my first class. Then during second period, the prof was busy backtracing and eating shit...whew, and I thought I was unorganized!!! Then during my last class (Goddamn RELIGION!!!) I had to deal with a friend of mine who happens to be in most of my groupings for other courses dishing out a full shitload of drama.


I just want to know if simplicity is too much to ask for. I mean we're all busy right? I refuse to believe that there are degrees of busy-ness. I mean it's either you are or you aren't, right???

Geesh! I don't understand where all this animosity is coming from. Was college always this hard? I miss books...memorizing, and passing that way. Just when graduation is within reach, everyone conspires to push it away from your groping hands.

I just wish people would just shoot themselves instead of giving me too much drama!!!

my life in a nutshell

I'd take 5 pentabarbital pills over life any day!

art imitating life

I've been trying to recover these past few days, but it seems like everytime a smile begins to form on my face something always pops up to stop it from happening. Sometimes we just go through slumps in our lives, where satisfaction seems to plateau and we're left scratching our heads.

Well, I have a slightly different mechanism for coping:

Hurting just feels soooo good. Enough said...

the antithesis to a happy and satisfying life…

There are just some days where we find ourselves at wits end. It’s like everything is moving but you’re stuck there. Sometimes there is nothing worse than stagnation. The earth turns, the tides rise and fall, heck, even other people change! But your just there, acting like the powerless bystander that you were born to be.

They say some people are just born great, their great destinies imprinted on the palms of their hands since infancy. What happens when you believe you weren’t supposed to be born in the first place? Is it your parents’ fault that you were robbed of a great destiny due to their effervescent ignorance? Or does the fault lie with you, a weakling incapable of terminating your own existence even after you’ve realized that you were born for no apparent reason at all? You’re existence is an anomaly at best. Walking the earth with no purpose, you just end up hindering other people from fulfilling their respective missions.

“The Lost”, a very apt appellation if I could say so myself, to describe this meaningless reality.

You see everybody’s plan coming into fruition while you sit by the sidelines. Any accomplishment you achieve doesn’t have the desired effect. Where others would feel success or satisfaction, you only feel emptiness. All this happens while new and harder barrage of questions assault your already confused and chaotic head. You feel your soul literally being rendered into pieces. What’s worse is that you know that it will never get better. Somewhere deep inside your pathetic excuse for a core, you know…that this is how it’s supposed to be.

Nothing can comfort you. There is only this reality gnawing at the back of your head. Even this certainty can’t bring you peace. You try desperately to hold on to your so-called “normalcy”, trying to act like everyone else. You do everything to hide your pain, your confusion, to keep everyone from seeing the real you.

Where does the answer lie? In the embrace of your kin? In the laws of your society? In the ridiculous myth that has concentrated itself to become religion? Isn’t it funny? That in all this commotion, you fail to see what’s really happening.

Look around you little boy, open your eyes to the truth. You have to realize, we all do the same things. We’re all stuck in this half-life, a meaningless existence. All we can do is to crash into each other and in that instant, form sparks that force us to feel something. Even if this collision only leaves us with more questions, a deep gaping hole of want…it doesn’t matter, because we all know that this is the only way to get through this existence. And who knows, maybe someday…hopefully soon…we get our ultimate reward, the thing we hunger for the most: the last goodbye, the slumber from which there is no awakening…and someday, yes, we will get to rest.

on trials and retribution

There are two words all graduating La Sallian students learn to fear: RELIABILITY RUN...


We had that today and it was...disturbing to say the least. Only five thesis groups defended this term and two out of the five groups failed even before lunch time. I'm thinking I was sooooo right deciding to drop the defense and wait 'til next term.


I would've given everything to graduate this term, but I guess it's just not meant to be.


I just wish the 10 or so MEM graduates this year to hold the banner high and to kick some serious ass in the real world.

post-mortem

Okaaaaaay...I just reviewed my prior post and...DAMN! DO I SOUND SWEET OR WHAT???

eeeew...I almost sound...I dunno...happy...(enter: creepy howling sounds)

Just to keep things in the straight and narrow: I just missed blogging (too much, apparently) and I promise to bring on the wrath of angst in my next posts.

Kudos everyone!!!

and so I'm back...from outerspace!!!

GOD! I MISSED BLOGGING!!!

Where else could you vent off into empty space???

A lot's happened since my self-imposed online silence effected last January. I got off into a good start, academically speaking and I have been working my ass off to meet impossible deadlines. And I'm gald to say...ALL IS GOOD IN JOEYLAND!!!

Although there's a little bump in the road here and there, I've been enjoying my second to the last term. I've even finished my pre-graduation ORIENT3 modules. I'm itching to get out of school and BE A BUM!!!! Bwahahahahahaha...nah...I wanna go to work already. I'm rearing to go to Singapore and work there, and my I bet my brother is sooooo excited to get someone who knows how to cook "edible" food...

Now going to the serious stuff...I've been dealing with issues lately and I have come to resort to ummm..."unorthodox" measures. One of my friends confronted me about the scars on my wrist and I just decided to open up to her. At least it was nice to know that not ALL people freak out when they see my scars. Also, she got on my case...BIG TIME...and she's been making sure I don't go all nasty on myself anytime soon. (Big thanks to CHARM for keeping me alive)

I've also done some pretty neat stuff these past months. I dedicated two Saturdays last February to helping out with Habitat for Humanity's BASECO site. It was refreshing to experience hardships with sense...I got to know the poeple who'll be living in the houses we helped build and they were thanful...to say the least. I remember my high school days working in Habitat's Las Pinas site...

I really hope I can update more often now...just to give you guys an idea of how busy I've been, I have my laptop with me (almost) everyday in school (with free WiFi connection, mind you...) and I still can't update this damn thing...

Oh well...to the truly faithful friends I have who've been visiting this page despite the lack of new stuff, all I can say is...GET A LIFE!!! (go out, do something else besides fester over the wounds of my life...) joke!!!! nah...I really want to thank you guys!

on trying and eventually giving up...

It's official...THIS TERM IS A BITCH!!! My thesismates and I have decided to drop the course. Why you ask? The Department decided to be strict this time...IT JUST SO HAPPENS THEY DECIDED TO IT TO OUR BATCH!!! @$Y!@U$I@$!!!!

Our Deparment in the esteemed college of Engineering is well known for deffered theses. It's easy to justify this fact! We actually make prototypes of our theses y'know? Which other department requires their students to design robots and actually make them???? Huh? Huh? Shit!

The department decided to completely eliminate the deffered status! So it means it's either pass or fail for your damn thesis!!!! Even if you submitt all your requirements on time, you could still fail if you don't pass the reliabilty run!!!!

Whew! And this term is fuckin starting to get on my nerves...

I want to seriously hurt someone...BAD!!!

going back to school sucks!!!

Shit!

I cannot stress enough how I hate this term!!! After experiencing work for a whole year, I must say...I'LL TAKE WORK OVER SCHOOL ANY DAY!!!

Thesis sucks, my classes suck, money sucks...the list just goes on and on...

I just hope I graduate soon so I can start working towards my riches.

to new friendships (hear! hear!)

I'm dedicating this post to a new friend of mine...RUDY!!!

He has restored a little of my faith in the supposedly innate "good" in people. Imagine this, a total stranger, sending me an email comforting me and generously giving advice after he read one of my rants in a Yahoo! Group. Now that is special!

Kudos to you Rudy! I hope the rest of my friends get to know you...

YOU ARE SPECIAL!!!

>hugs<

on both change and permanence...

Whew! Cheers all around! It's another year gone past and a new one dawning on all of us!

As custom dictates...we all have to make pleasantly "breakable" promises:

1. I will continue to be happily plump. Although I do plan to lose a few pounds before my brother's wedding.
2. I promise to try my best to cut down on cab rides this coming school year, especially now that I won't have someone to drive me the whole school week. (As if this is even possible...)
3. I promise to lessen my neurotic tendencies this year. (Bwahahahaha)
4. I will try my bestest (damn that word 'sif) to finish all my thesis requirements within the prescribed timeframe. (GOD HELP US)
5. Oh, and...WORLD PEACE (WTF?!?!)

Hope y'all have a blast this 2006. Remember:

NO REGRETS...

>hugs<

on patience and longing...

Whew! That was a pretty long wait before I found the time to update! I'm feeling much better now...I mean, after that meanstreak that made me write my last post. Don't get me wrong, things aren't peachy around here, it's just that things have made a turn for the better.

I find it amusing that my blogging schedule is closely knit with my clothes-washing schedule. I usually update on the same day I do my laundry. How weird is that??!!!

Well, my older brother is coming home tomorrow. So I guess it's going to be a hectic but nice day. As usual, I'll have to cook something special but it's ok since it's new year's eve.

I'll be back on campus soon. I'm kinda excited, this could very well be my last term. I really hope I finish everything before summer ends. I wanna get a job within the year.

Okay, things are getting too serious (serious=boring hahahaha) I'm also excited about planning my brother's wedding. He'll be home an extra two times this year. Just to smooth things out before the big day on January 2007. I enjoy doing this things...y'know? Fixing the menu, organizing the guest list, and come late September, taking charge of the RSVPs (I'm expecting a spike in my phonebill, from all the follow up calls, I'm saving up for that, bwahahahaha)

I'm expecting good things this new year and I'm hoping to make positive changes in my life. Here here! Let's toast to the new year and all the wonderful possibilities along with it! Cheers!

>hugs< everyone...

On creed and consequence…

My mom and I have had little talks these past few days. My mom was bitching about how expensive my older brother’s January 2007 wedding is getting and it ultimately led to that dreaded conversation about how my dad is a loser because he’s currently jobless (and I’m not counting on him getting one anytime in the foreseeable future…) She was like: “Is he happy with how his life is? Is he content with the way we live now?”

For you to understand my mom’s sentiments, I’ve got a whole lot of explaining to do. Last year, my dad decided to quit his job because he just couldn’t agree with the owner’s (by owner I mean the owner of the company he works for) daughter (who was then running the company, effectively making her his boss…) So my dad, in his usual fevered stupidity brought about by unexplainable (and unhealthy if I might add…) amounts of pride decided to quit, thus, his current BUM status. Ever since, my mom has been the one shouldering expenses. When before, she was synonymous with the word. I mean, don’t get me wrong, if my mom wasn’t a spender, I wouldn’t be enjoying much of the luxuries I have right now.

Enough history talk…so, fastforward to the present. My mom was bitching like hell. Saying how she would stop working after I graduated college and if they ran out of money, they’d just starve to death. I have to say…A+ for the extreme drama, very Academy Award worthy. So I told, her that this was the exact reason why I will never get married, I’d just have affairs ‘til I have a child and would just take the baby with me and leave my partner. I want a kid, not the whole freaking package with the wife and white picket fences.

To sum it all up, my mom concluded that: “no couple could be happy in marriage unless they are financially stable.” I have to agree, but I went on to take it a little further, make it a little bit general: “In life, if you don’t have money, chances are you will never be happy.” And I don’t give a shit what the priests have to say about living a simple life. To me, a simple life is a TV show with two sluts pretending they actually have brains.

But it IS true. You see, the people who are always smiling and generally enjoy their lives are the people with healthy bank accounts. And don’t give me that crap about showbiz personalities being stalked or rich kids being kidnapped. All I said was being rich made you happy; I said nothing about BEING POPULAR.

And how do you become popular when you’re rich? That happens when you can’t keep you money to yourself. It’s either you splurge too much, or in the case of some people who decided they could buy their way to heaven, they open foundations for the friggin poor.

So how do you become rich and happy at the same time? Oh, and yeas it can be done. You could bake your cake and eat it too!!! First, be smart about spending your money. Don’t ever buy dreadfully colored and oh so skimpy couture, Believe me, you don’t need a yacht, trust me, you’ll end up dead in it anyways… And secondly, never share! Yep! You heard me right. Never give a penny to anyone. You worked yourself to the bone trying to earn that money, why give it to them? If someone close to your heart goes to you in dire need of money, see them off and tell them that there are no handouts in the real world! Trust me; they’ll be better learning to cope up alone. Make them face their problems, even if they’re dying, at least they accomplish something.

The only thing worth sharing is misery. Yes folks! The old adage is true. MISERY, DOES LOVE COMPANY! You don’t believe me? Then think back to a time in your life when everything sucked. There are three kinds of people in situations like this. First, there are those who don’t give a shit what happens to you. (Just flip them the finger) Secondly, there are those goody-two-shoes who can’t help but stick their noses in other people’s shit. They are the most annoying, trying to console you and make you feel better. And it doesn’t work. Why? Because they’re happy and they just pity you. The last kind are the people who are in worse conditions. These are the people who ACTUALLY MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. Example, you failed a subject, sure, you feel bad, but wait until you see someone get kicked out of school. You’ll feel better, because all in all, you’re well-off compared to that loser!

So, if y’all want to live happy lives, there is only one currency that you should use. It’s not the dollar, it’s not the euro…it’s MISERY…MISERY IS THE CURRENCY OF GREED and most people do well in life by dishing out shitloads of misery and just taking all the money for themselves.

on patience and expectations...

How come the more you wait for something, the more anxious you get about it? Like course card day and xmas right?

My mom stumbled upon a very disarming thought while we were hoarding fruits earlier..."it'll be xmas next week..." I was like: "OMFG! yeah..." and the point is, I don't even know why it surprised me like that!? It's not like I have presents to open anyways...my mom and sister kinda gave me my presents already. So xmas isn't entirely a huge gift-opening event for me.

And besides...for us, (my family, I mean...) xmas doesn't happen 'til the 31st. Because that's when my brother gets to visit us again. I'm still dreaming about a new PSP...(hope my brother gets THAT ONE right!!!) not that I need it, I just want another distraction. Warcraft has lost its magic for me...I'm still trying to get my filthy hands on a copy of the DotA map though.

On the brighter side, the telly downstairs got fixed earlier. So it's safe to say that my usual morning migration (I used to transfer downstairs after my mom turns off the airconditioning in the morning, it's much cooler down there) will resume. I was so stoked that I even transferred my PS2 down there, hehehehe. I'm gonna plant my fat ass on that sofa come tomorrow morning!!!

I just hope New Year's comes quickly...let's just get through xmas so I can get on with the REAL fun...before school starts of course! (sucks...BIG TIME!!!) So not looking forward to that...

on friendship, catching up, and getting royally screwed...

I missed doing this...y'know, just airing my thoughts, not a care in the world...it doesn't matter who gets to read this shit anyway...it wouldn't hold up in court.

It's been officially three days (time check: 1:32AM December 14) since my little "get-together" last Sunday. It was a day of ups and downs to say the least...

I told the people who actually gave a damn that they should come over lunch time onwards 'cause my mom and I'll be pretty pre-occupied cooking and preparing shit in the morning. So little dumb me was actually expecting people to come over around...I dunno...noonish? The only things that arrived around lunch time were 4 SMSs: 2 informing me of cancellations and 2 informing me of "possible", no, scratch that, more like: "probable" cancellations. So I was like: "ok, so two people aren't coming and two are kinda lost...cool..." I got my first ray of sunshine when Van asked for directions to my house from Makati, which I willingly gave, I even called her to explain the directions clearly...

Then, Philip arrived, we ate, with my family (because we all decided to dig in because people were surely taking their sweet time arriving...). We decided to play a little PS2...then Joey (Joetech, as he's known in school...because I'm THE Joey...hehehe) arrived too which was fun because we got to catch up, then Herbert popped up, we had a blast sharing stories and generally just enjoying friendly banter.

That's when I got the biggest fuckin load of SMSs telling me how sorry my "friends" were for not being able to come...so I took it all in stride but I ended up thinking: "that's gonna be a whole boatload of leftovers my family and I have to endure the entire week,or month..."

I got a nice surprise right about then...Jona showed-up for a little dessert (because she had this little sumthin-sumthin going on in her house as well) with her cousin.

I was just enjoying my friends' company when the inevitable goodbyes came. Jona and her cousin were there just a while 'cause they had to get back home soon. Joey and Herbert decided to leave together. The dreaded question finally came...my mom asked: "will someone else be coming? or can I start packing the food already?" God! What a bummer!!! But Ren and her new catch decided to come and they had fun eating the spinach...hehehe.

That's when I decided to end the day. While I was feeding the dogs that evening, I thought long and hard...I even asked my sister if birthdays did lose their "special" quality as you got older. She replied with a simple, sincere, and ghastly "YES"...

That's when I decided: THIS'LL BE THE LAST TIME I EVER CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY...

Not that I'm bitter or anything...heck! My friends did have good excuses...It's just that, when I'm old, and when I think back on the birthdays I've had, I wanna remember good times y'know? Not disasters dealing with flakes and architecs (drawing...). I think it's better that way. I already had a taste of how sucky your birthday can get last 2004 when my family just skipped the whole "it's my friggin birthday today" fact. I think I'll just have a beer next year and contemplate on my biological clock counting down to my ultimate doom. Well...your birthday is just another day in a year right? What so special about that?

my, my, how time flies...

Just four days left'til the big 21!!! I can't say I'm excited about adding on another year, but I'm sure as hell am excited to see my friends again! There'll be tons of food and light booze to go around...but I can't say it'll be a party, just a small gathering, me thinks...

Makes me wonder, how fast time flies! Earlier, we went to Echage (hope I spelled that right) in Quiapo to buy the Chinese ham my mom and I love sooooo much! Me like it so much we decided to buy the rest of the family (the clan...) a ham for each family too! Plus Edam cheese! This of course was made possible by the cash gift by my two titas who live in Perth.

We decided to trot on to Makati to do our groceries. My mom told us that the grocery would be a free for all, which meant I could grab anything and she would pay for it! Talk about frenzy! I got tons of junk food, plus the other stuff we'll be needing for Sunday's little get-together. I was stomped when I realized we arrived at Glorietta at 4PM!!! I was wondering, where the hell did my day go??? I mean, I feel like I woke up a couple of hours ago...and now its friggin 4 in the afternoon!

Whew, so we raced through our grocery shopping. I also tried to get my dad to buy me a pair of sunglasses I'm longing to have (refer to prior post) and HE DID!!! This was a good day!

I can't wait 'til Sunday comes a'knocking...although my birthday doesn't pop out 'tiL Monday though.

>hugs<

mad dash...

Two days ago, I decided to try and scope out the malls. Y'know the feeling when you're walking the aisles, then you see a window display and you just think of someone...FUCK! I forgot to buy him/her a gift! Well...I was doing that. Trying to jolt my mind into remembering all the people I should buy gifts for.

I was out with my sister and my brother's fiance...when Edissa (the fiance) decided to do her xmas shopping. I was fine with it until she told us she had 21 FRIGGIN GODCHILDREN!!! (if I remember correctly...) How the hell were we supposed to deal with that? Plus the added pressure of my own list of goodies I had to buy (my mom decided to humor me last minute when she suddenly gave me a shopping list before we headed out)...and her list wasn't simple either! I had to buy goild foil (to make crowns for my tita's presentation - refer to prior posts), then I had to look for acrylic gems that she would use to adorn the crown, there was also the great hunt to find readily available official receipt forms (man! I had no idea there were lots of them: OR, PR, invoice...) and of course, a new tube of dog shampoo...I remember I have to give the doggies a bath before my little birthday gathering on Sunday.

Needless to say, I was thankful I decided to wear slippers that day.

It doesn't even end there. I saw this cool bag that was on sale and then I saw a pair of sunglasses (the exact same ones I've been drooling over for a few weeks now - much thanks to my sister's hawkeye vision) so I was stuck! I mean talk about dilemma huh?

I finally decided to buy the bag earlier (via my sister who went out to meet old friends...as if she didn't have her wisdom tooth extracted) and I also told her to get the shampoo (which we forgot to buy...)

Don't you just love xmas? It's a whole new level of stress...

another one bites the dust...

Damn! What is it with the "grace" period before xmas??!! People are dying left and right! We just visited my ninang earlier to pay our respects to her departed mom.

I just saw her early this year, for her 90+++ (sorry...I honestly forgot...) birthday celebration! This old lady was rockin! I mean, she's really cool and fun to be with. I'm even willing to trade my grandparents for her y'know?

And then we find out she's gone...sucks! BIG TIME!!!

I just hope the holiday spirit picks-up soon. I'm worried that I'll spend the entire holiday season in black! Don't get me wrong, I loooove wearing black (the number of black shirts in my closet is a testament to that!) but I wanna wear pastels again...

on death and brutality...

This weekend, a friend of mine died. His name is Lenard and is a year younger than me. He is a very promising med student and an awesome friend to all those who knew him. Late Saturday night, he was found groggy by the service road in the Alabang area. The tanods who found him saw a bloody mess. He was immediately brought to a hospital where the doctors found out that he had SEVN FUCKING STAB WOUNDS IN HIS FUCKING CHEST!!!

His last words to his mom were: "MOM, I CAN'T BREATHE..." after wich he died in the arms of his father.

The single thing I pray for isn't even Lenard's soul...he's too good a person to need my help in the faith department (if you pick a fight with this guy, he cries...he won't fight back...EVER!!!) I pray that when his killers get caught, they get skinned alive and their bodies fed to fuckin dogs. Get this, Lenard had all of his possessions when the tanods found him, which means he wasn't killed for money, HE WAS KILLED FOR SPORT!!!

I wish that I can just get 5 minutes with the bastards who did this to him...I swear to all that is good and holy, I'M GONNA MAKE THEM PAY...

In doing this, I am aware that I prove myslef no better than Lenard's assailants, but who cares anyways??? The twisted animals that killed him didn't care, all possible witnesses don't care, the tanods (oh believe me, they KNOW who did it...) don't care, and most of all, whoever is sitting on his big ass UP THERE doesn't give a shit about what happened. Doesn't HE know that Lenard was a genuinely swell guy??? Lenard deserved a peaceful and painless death, BUT NO! Someone decided to bring him a lot of fuckin pain!!!

I hope this shit never happens to any of you guys...(except if you're guilty in even the slightest way, in which case...I wish this upon you a THOUSAND FOLD!)